Please help me with my SOP...I have written it but I dont feel too good about it..I feel somethings missing and it doesn't flow too well..Also it'll be very helpful to get a quick reply..
At 8:30 am in the morning, in a plush office in India's financial capital, Mumbai, a man sits behind an opulent desk and signs a contract to import a vessel of various goods from China. Minutes later he silently moves to a huge conference room to meet his foreign clients. After hours of negotiations and healthy conclusions, he leaves for the airport in a chauffeur driven car and ends the day with meeting the Marketing Head of a multi-million dollar company in Dubai. This is what I have seen my father and my paternal uncles do all year round and I look forward to maintain this busy schedule as a successful Entrepreneur after I obtain my MBA. The Top School academic experience will add to my family business background and help me move forward on the path to becoming a successful Entrepreneur.
As a child I have seen my family struggle on the path to economic stability. And today as I write this essay I can safely say that my family has achieved their goals and much more with God's grace and constant hard work. Their success stories have been my inspiration and I look forward to emulating their victories in life, in my own way, on the long run.
Leadership and Management have been my forte since school days. I have assumed various leadership roles throughout my school life, the most significant of those being, elected as a School Prefect and the Senior House Captain respectively in last two consecutive years of my High School. I also was the team spokesperson at the Rotary International Youth Exchange program to Singapore and Malaysia. In my college days I have worked as an event manager and a core organizing committee member for almost every co-curricular and extra-curricular activity that was planned. I have also helped organize several inter-college events which require meticulous planning and execution. I and my team members worked for days together to organize these large scale events which were attended by hundreds of students and staff members of the institutions across the region. These experiences helped me uncover my natural flair for management. I also travelled to the best institutions across India to participate in Innovation and management seminars where the biggest names of the corporate world came forward to share their experiences and insights with the students. One of the most significant of these being, the seminar on Innovation held at Indian Institute of Technology at Mumbai, in which speakers like Jon "Maddog" Hall (Executive Director of LINUX) and Jimmy Wales (Co-Founder of Wikipedia) enlightened us.
I have worked, after my graduation, as a Marketing Executive at my family business, which is importing Raw Materials (Chemicals and Waxes) from several countries across the world and supplying them to various industries across India. My company serves around 20 types of industries for their raw material requirement. I started off with marketing a single product (Sodium Tri Poly Phosphate) in the Ceramic Industry. I decided to travel to town called Morbi, the Ceramic Hub of India. There are approximately 300 units manufacturing ceramic products with many new units coming up every month, which makes it and intensely competitive market in a relatively small geographic area. Morbi has put India on the world map as a ceramic manufacturing giant besides countries like China and Spain. I did my research on the product and the market and went ahead with a plan. On my foremost visit I just observed the people and the manner in which they worked. I documented my entire experience and targeted customers with specific manufacturing procedures to which my product would definitely be better than all others. Approaching this hard headed market in a scientific manner helped me achieve considerable sales growth in a few months.
After this I started to look after the administrative and financial side of my business along with the marketing. I have made significant changes in my workplace by maximizing the use of technology. I started online marketing by use of B2B platform which has helped increase profits in the last quarter and my current project is marketing our business online. The knowledge I gained from my engineering has helped me a lot in making quantum changes in our business.
At Rutgers I look forward to honing my skills further as a manager and realize my dream of becoming a successful entrepreneur. An extremely distinguished faculty, a milieu replete with academic activity and a graduate program that blends high quality course work with practical knowledge are the factors that have motivated me to select Rutgers Camden. The school's proximity to NYC, the financial capital of the world, and the ample networking opportunities that will result from such a surrounding are invaluable and the most essential tools that a budding entrepreneur should be equipped with. I would love to take classes such as "Entrepreneurship: New Venture Creation" which is would be an ideal simulation for learning to start a real business and which will undoubtedly prove invaluable in my career.
Starting a business of my own has been my dream ever since I realized my potential as a good manager. My family's background along with a strong desire to succeed fuels my ambition. My GMAT score of 630 indicates that I have the raw ability to succeed in a business school. I am assured that with your university, my choice and search for an acclaimed and result oriented destination for higher studies, is rested. My strong grasp of the fundamentals clubbed with your inputs via a cutting-edge graduate education will be my channel through which I shall surge forward towards my dream, for I have great vision and I'm going to make it a reality.
wow!
you have been very fortunate with the inspirations you had.mostly i like your writting.you have placed you story chronologically well.any one can enjoy you writing without struggling with difficult words.im also interested in the marketing industry then this was an inpiration.
This part needs a comma:
all year round, a nd I look forward to maintain this busy schedule as a successful Entrepreneur after I obtain my MBA. The end of this sentence is part of the problem. What you really want to say something about, I think, is ... oh, I understand! You say:
all year round, and I look forward to maintain this envision myself keeping a busy schedule like theirs. As a successful Entrepreneur, I hope to... ________________after I obtain my MBA.
I think you should actually cut part of it out:
...seen my father and my paternal uncles do all year round, and I envision myself keeping a busy schedule like theirs. look forward to maintain this busy schedule as a successful Entrepreneur after I obtain my MBA. The Top School academic experience will add to my family business background and help me move forward on the path to becoming a successful Entrepreneur.
:-)
Thank You Thosago for the confidence.
And Thank you kevin for your suggestions...I will make the required changes.
Kevin it would be so helpful to recieve email updates when someone comments on the post..I checked this too late because i had forgotten the web address...I didnt get even a confirmation email for my registration, and someone wiped out the surfing history from my computer...Since you are moderator to this excellent service I strongly suggest that essayforum.com should send registration confirmation and posting update emails.
Thanks again.
I'm going to pass this suggestion along! Thanks! Sorry about the trouble you had. I think this might be a good suggestion.
Also, if you go give some feedback to other people who recently posted essays, and ask them to comment on yours, you'll get a lot of different perspectives about your essay.
