Hi Joyce teng
Did you write a general ielts topic or an academic one?
If it is the academic writing, you should at least follow the essay's structure:
Introduction
1 paragraph
2 Paragraph
Conclusion
from an amateur to a professional player
Moreover, in psychic way, some doctors therapy patient's mental diseases by using music as well.
Nevertheless, it also shows people's lifestyle and thinkingthe way of thinking in the past by reading its lyrics .
Therefore, people can realize the culture identity from those songs or rhythm and be shared around the world.
two different verbs:people cannot be shared around!
However, international music is new appeared fromin these decades, interestingly, more and more new types of music are being created and some of them are also be widely accepted.
because they are all in the different meanings to different groups.
I dont understand the meaning of this sentence.
I hope my correction is right and it can help you.
Znack