This is one of my personal essay's...please critique! Thank you!
It seems I have inherited my mother's wanderlust. I love experiencing the magic and draw of various cultures, each with its own flavor and distinctions which seizes my inner soul and settles my heart. I feel at home when I travel. Lucky for me, I was born into a military family; travel was mandatory.
Children of the military personnel endure unique challenges, and I am lucky enough to be one of them. It creates wisdom beyond the year, a knowing person inside. Traveling from place to place, meeting my dad at fascinating Naval ports throughout the world only to wave goodbye to him as he sailed away on his Navy carrier. This nomadic life has been both the best and worst experience of my life. Never staying in one place long enough, making friends became an art to be mastered, as they would soon only be memories pasted into a photo album.
Living overseas, I was able to absorb the varied cultures - not just taste them. By the age of twelve, I could hail a cab in London, catch a train in any country, order a meal in any language, and navigate any city/town due to my military upbringing and the real-life education it has afforded me. I can be summed up by Henry David Thoreau's famous quote- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.."
What others only observe in movies and books are realities and memories for me. From Italy to India and all those in between, each culture has brought a new understanding and awareness of both the differences and similarities of each society. While I have experienced so many countries with diverse cultures in the world, I feel that I am not done yet. Entering A&M, I look forward to new explorations and discoveries I want to immerse myself into the University "sucking out all the marrow" it has to offer - from student organizations, intramural sports, time honored traditions, and the best quality of education available; I want to show my love for this diverse and varied world with the students and professors on campus.
This is one of my personal essay's
One of your personal essay's what? Drafts? Manifestations? Nights on the town? Or, did you mean to say, "this is one of my personal
essays"?
(Just a cranky joke from somebody who is
so very tired of seeing apostrophes tossed into words for no reason at all.)
This is a good start, and I can tell that you've got the raw material for a strong essay. I'd like to see you phrase your first sentence much more strongly, and I'd like to see more anecdotes and sensory details from your travels.
I love experiencing the magic and draw of various cultures, each with their own flavor and distinctions which seizes my inner soul and settles my heart.
^Cultures is plural.
I feel at home when I travel. Lucky for me, I was born into a military family; travel was mandatory.
Children of the military personnel endure unique challenges, and I am lucky enough to be one of them. It creates wisdom beyond the year, a knowing person inside. Traveling from place to place, meeting my dad at fascinating Naval ports throughout the world only to wave goodbye to him as he sailed away on his Navy carrier.
^This last sentence here needs to be revised. It should all be the in the past tense. Your use of present tense, makes readers expect something a bit more towards the end but this expectation is abruptly halted by the full stop?
This nomadic life has been both the best and worst experience of my life. Never staying in one place long enough, making friends became an art to be masteredmaster , as they would soon only be memories pasted into a photo album.each of them would eventually only become a memory pasted into a photo album
Living overseas, I was able to absorb the varieda variation of cultures - not just taste them .
*Since when has culture only been restricted to eating food?
By the age of twelve, I could hail a cab in London, catch a train in any country, order a meal in any language, and navigate any city/town due to my military upbringing and the real-life education it has afforded me.
^Can you order a meal in Malyalam or Suomi? That is impressive.
I can be summed up by Henry David Thoreau's famous quote- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.."
What others only observe in movies and books are realities and memories for me.
^Ive seen the movie Kite Runnier. It has a very disturbing rape scene, and so does the novel. I hope that this is not a reality or a memory for you.
From Italy to India and all those in between, each culture has brought adeveloped annew understanding and awareness of both the differences and similarities of eachvarious societies.
^Its a shame you say from Italy to India, seeing as how both countries begin with 'I'.
While I have experienced so many countries with diverse cultures in the world, I feel that I am not done yet.
Even though I have visited many different countries, each of which have different cultures, I still feel that I have more to see and learn.
Entering A&M, I look forward to new explorations and discoveries.
^Make a reference that these will be cultural.
I want to immerse myself into the University "sucking out all the marrow" it has to offer - from student organizations, intramural sports, time honored traditions, and the best quality of education available; I want to show my love for this diverse and varied world with the students and professors on campus.
^You dont really link any of this with the bulk of your essay, which is experiencing myriad cultures.
