IELTS essay: Topic about dependence on computers

Topic : We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits?

In this computer-dominated world, just by a simple click, everything can be easily carried out. This idea, however, does not receive unanimous approval from global citizens. It is argued that computers will jeopardize the future of our modern world. This essay will focus on to what extent computers may affect our lives.

First of all, the advantages that computers yield are blindingly obvious. Nowadays, with a well-programmed computer, we can get things done with pinpoint accuracy. With the omnipresence of this technological product, for the years to come, there will be probably no news about "human errors" that hit the deadlines. Furthermore, there will be a significant reduction in human employment. A lot of time and energy would be saved if computers went into global application. Employers would be the first to benefit as the desired results are still achieved with the cost on human labor kept to the minimum.

On the other hand, there are still some imminent dangers. Too much dependence on computers envisages a vision in which the world will end up in catastrophe if one day, all the computers fail to fulfill human's demands. This discouraging prospect is quite likely especially now, when the Internet is so "densely populated". Research shows that by 2020, Internet will have been overloaded whereas its potential alternative still remains unknown. The expanding use of computers also accounts for the escalating rate of unemployment. The approaching consequence is predictable: the society will be suffocated by social crimes once redundant people grow more and more reckless.

To conclude, I contend that the issue of wide use of computers should receive a more considerate approach as the advantages that it brings about are far from laughable.

(Word count: 283)

I took toefl with 30 on my writing. The key to a good essay in Toefl is to first pick a side..There are numerous things we feel torn up on... What you should do is take a minute or two to jot down key points both in favor of the topic and against it. Once you see which side you can clearly defend, stick to it no matter how much you feel compelled to touch upon the other side of the spectrum.The people checking the essays know that a topic can be written both ways...They are only looking for people who can clearly defend their point of view.

After the first step is accomplished take two or three main points that you have to discuss in two to three paragraphs...In this case one para could be about uses of computer to help students with their studies, one could be about social networking with peers in a busy life and one could be about ease to find employment online. On the vice side you can write one paragraph about negative effects of explicit sites on young minds;One about how too much online help for assignments limits a kids frame of mind as he stops to refer text books and just googles out every concept and so on...

The last paragraph should just reiterate what you said in your opening line merging in it the points you touched on the body of the essay...

Hope this helps...

Best of luck.

I didn't find grammar errors, but I am confused about the conclusion. Do you support or refute benefits of the computer? If you support it, the first paragraph should be larger that the second one.

Actually, I was in favour of the latter. Anyway, thanks a lot. Both of the comments are pretty helpful to me :D

If you favour the latter, then begin your essay with the reason that supports your point of view, but not with the oppising ideas.
By the way, what is the required minimum of words in IELTs essay?

Anytime...

I just guess the latter needs more development. I prefer the "heavy bottom" structure meaning beginning the essay with opposite ideas. 250 -word essay is insisted.

But as I was told by my tutor, writer should clearly illustrate his opinion with strong supporting ideas, using the structure that Vakax provided. The topic question offers you two opposing alternatives, so that one must be chosed and developed in order to reveal your preference.

thanks for reply:-)

Maybe I will try this strategy next time. Cheers :D

great essay thanks

Hello Lý Tâm

Some very good organization and some great vocabulary. As Azeri says, very few grammar errors. But I would encourage you to be more specific, to avoid generalizations, and to state your ideas as simply as possible: vocabulary is only one aspect of the overall writing grade.

Generalizations:


.
Why not give some examples, perhaps ranging from the very ordinary tasks we carry out with computers (withdrawing money from a bank) to some very large scale ones (analysing weather data from satellites)?

Similar word forms:
Try to avoid using different forms of the same word family in the same sentence:


could be replaced with "envisages a future" or "envisages a scenario" or "presages a catastrophe."

Avoid vagueness in reference:


(Para. 1)
"This idea" is a little vague: it is not immediately clear what the idea is referring to. "Idea" is perhaps not a great choice of word - perhaps "this situation" or, even better, "this dependence on computers."

Word forms: use verbs rather than nouns;


I'm not exactly certain what you mean here: perhaps if you used some examples it would be clearer. Using a verb rather than a noun might be better: "A lot of time would be saved if computers were applied to solve even more human problems." Verbs move more than nouns do: they keep writing moving forward whereas nouns ending in "-ism" and "-ion" can make it heavy and dense.

Avoid using quotes:


and


don't need them.

Simplify:
I think you have worked too hard on your last sentence and it would be clearer if it were simpler:


.
Do you mean that we should appreciate the benefits of computing? If so, "considerate" is probably not the right word. The "it" in the sentence refers back to "the issue", not the wide use of computers. "Laughable" is generally used for something negative or derisory.

Rather than fixing the sentence, I would replace it with something simpler such as "Overall, computers have made an incalculable contribution to our lives, and we should welcome even greater use of them..." or its opposite: "In conclusion, we need to question whether this addiction to computing is really for our long-term benefit..."

Avoid cliches like the plague:
It's great to see such vocabulary, but do be careful not to overdo very common pairings such as "blindingly obvious", "unanimous approval", "time and energy", "for [the] years to come", etc. But this is a very common problem for native speakers!

I really like the parallel structure in the sentence:


Well done!

Enda T

Dear Enda T,
I really appreciate your comments, especially on my word choices. I didn't have the faintest idea about how using verbs will help the essay flow better than using nouns! My teacher also commented that my writing was sometimes larded with vocabularies instead of ideas. Thanks a lot, Enda!

Nice expression...


This question would not be necessary if the essay had a clear thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph. This essay will focus on to what extent computers may affect our lives, and after careful reflection I conclude that the benefits of computers outweigh the drawbacks.


This implies that the advantages are to be taken seriously. So, add some more sentences to the conclusion and explain with confidence what you mean. Make an argument like the one you would make if I was disagreeing, saying the world would be better off if computers did not exist. :-)

Shark on a diet, I love your username! It makes me feel safer when I swim.

Thanks ET_Kevin :)

Thanks Sharkonadiet!

You have some excellent vocab and I hope you keep adding to it!

As ET_Kevin says, great name, too! Looking forward to your next post.

Enda