I'm glad that you clarified that point with your instructor; it will definately help! Here are my suggestions:
"Family units in the novel The Giver Depending on your citation style, this title should either be in italics or quotation marks. Refer to your citation style or your instructor to find out which is appropriate here.
are determined by two important roles: the assigned family units depending on birthmothers and Nurturers. Babies are taken by Should this be "from"?
the birthmothers without any rights of involvement in raising a Change to "the"
baby. Birthmother's job task is completed in 9 months; the baby is then given to the Nurturers. This is an incomplete sentence; how about rewriting it to "The Birthmother's job is complete in nine months; the baby is then taken from her and given to a Nurturer."
The Nurturer raises the babies Change to "baby"
until they become grown teens. The Elders committee, who displace babies from B
irthmothers to N
urturers, Stay consistent; either capitalize these nouns or don't. Since they could be deemed as proper nouns for the purposes of the text you are analyzing, they could stay capitalized; or, don't capitalize them because technically they are not proper nouns in the English language. Either way it really doesn't matter, as long as you choose one and stick to it.
provide rules to follow. Children in this controlled community learn that birthmothers
bring them into this world and are curious, asking, "Where did I come from?" They can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community. The Elders committee feels the fewer problems they face the more easily the perfect community would live peacefully and happily, without high rate of divorces, behavioral and legal issues families' experience. Without love and passion between couples and family units, this peace could be disrupted. In today's world, love and passion does exist and families are naturally created by biological parents leading reproductive lives. Some couples who love one another don't have the same privilege as a "natural parent." Adoption is an option for them; because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and Change to "or are".
unable to have children of their own. Couples become Nurturers in Change to " and provide"
life for children who become displaced from their biological parent, the birthmother
. Other types of adoptions are cultural; foreign and international adoptions have grown in the USA. O
verseas adoptions laws effect adoptee adults'
, How? Is it harder or easier for them to get these records?
obtaining records from biological parents, because of birth identity crisis What does this mean? Are there people stealing these children's identities? Please clarify.
. Countries have different laws, dictators Is this the best word choice here? How about "governments"?
, and rules for Change to "regarding the procedure for opening"
confidential files and allowing them
to be accessed
because of psychological effects.New idea, new paragraph.
The effects of adoption on children and parents (both adoptive and birth) can be Change to "cause"
behavioral issues. Oftentimes, the teenaged adoptee will become curious and begin searching for his/her genetic origin. Adoptive parents will have to be supportive when their adopted teens learn of their genetic background, and that the adoptive parent is not their biological parent. Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parent; adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if they are available and willing."
"Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on
whether or not the adopted
children shall have access to biological parental
records in open and
closed cases. Once the decision has been made What decision?
by the biological parent the contract stands when signature is Change to "are"
noted on the contract. Disputes arise in cases whereas Change to "when opening"
a confidential record from biological parents Remove
becomes necessary; to reveal information to override a closed case regarding medical reasons: diseases that are genetic, DNA matches before transplants, and genetic deformities it then becomes necessary for records to be access by the professional person representing the adoptee whom is in need of medical attention.Rewrite for clarity: "... necessary; such as in situations where the adopted child requires medical attention and information regarding the biological parents is vital." Records need to be access to a source, medical facility, for the life of an adoptee child or adoptee adult How about, "In these cases, the records need to be released to a professional source such as the attending physician."
. "In addition, they cite medical problems or misdiagnoses that could be caused by absence of genetic history, lack of religious identity, and fear of unwitting INCEST Was this originally published in all caps? If not, correct.
" (Gale 132). "
"ImportantlyThis is an awkward transitional word; how about using a synonym such as "Statistically" or "Generally" or keep "Importantly" and add on "the" after it.
, majority of birth mothers'
debates on adoption issue is Change to "are" that Change to "those concerning"
open adoption records and whether adult adoptees should have access to their adoption information. One critical issue of when one group speaks out for another.This is not a complete sentence; we have the who, but not the what. How about rewriting to read, "This critical issue arises when one group speaks out for another group. For example, birth..."
mothers who have placed their children up
for adoption speak out for open adoption records. Biological parents argue that
their rights need to be protected from adoptee children/adults returning in their lives, because a change of heart On the part of the children, or the parents? If you mean the children, this does not make sense because they had no say in whether or not they were being adopted. If you mean the parents, then you need to specify that these records are also opened by biological parents. As it sits now, it looks as if you are stating that the children can have a change of heart and set out to locate their bio parents. This happens, but "because a change of heart" is misleading
. Jan Baker speaks for many birth mothers in the following quote:
"Many voices purport to speak for birth mothers to explain to the world what they want and need in regards to open records. Some say they did not want their children to begin with and need to be protected from their children coming back into their lives. Some say we did not want our children to begin with and, therefore, we want/need to be protected from our children coming back into our lives. Unfortunately, many of those who claim to know how we felt about our children and how we feel about them now, actually know nothing about our true feelings. Yet, they do not hesitate to speak on our behalves" (Craft)." What citation style are you using? Most formats require the last name of the author as well as a page number, if available. If it is from a website, a paragraph number is usually required after the name.
"One Perhaps change this to "Biological parents" or "A biological parent" or "A child's representative" for clarity may
leads Do you mean "leans"?
adoption because the
biological parents are deceased, or are
unable to provide financial security for the child
. A majority of children and siblings Siblings of the bio parents? What do they have to do with the adoption procedure? If you mean siblings of the adoptive children, you do not need to specify this here; the noun "children" is appropriate
experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in war I do not know what you mean here; are you trying to say that children grieve less because their parents died in an accident or as a casualty of war? Where is the research supporting this?
. Adoptees experience a loss of family love, security, and affection, which is a very difficult for any child and sibling Why? If they are in a loving adopted home, shouldn't they have all of these things? This statement appears that you are supporting the anti-adoption side; if this is the case, you need to let the reader know you are advocating both sides
. Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working Is there always an unemployed parent? If so, where is the research to support the statement? If not, you should specify "if there is an unemployed parent..."
parent is left no choice but to put their child up for adoption in order to
provide a better life for them Change to "him or her".
. Adoptee Adults when they trace their biological parents regards to their identity crisis, confrontation may cause them more harm emotionally between both parties, when they experience rejection, or the loss times both parties miss out on This statement is very confusing; perhaps rewrite to something like, "When some adopted children become adults, they try to locate their biological parents to satisfy their curiosity. This revelation can be painful for both parties if rejection or regret is experienced by either or both parties."
. Biological parents', however do not want any contact, they do not want their adoptee children/adult to contact them. So, access to records for adoptee adults are denied, because of confrontation." This is not on the topic any longer; it should be attached to the previous paragraph so that the reader does not get lost.
"Adoption agencies failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents. "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems" (Wingert 60). Adoption agencies seek and provide homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope What do they gain hope for? The quote you have following this statement illustrates how many adoptive parents get in over their heads. How is this hopeful? I am confused
. "Adoptive parents sometimes do not realize what they have gotten into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results in trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas" (Wingert 60). An adoptive a
fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who hope to
a child and complete a responsible family unit. Sometimes adoptive families have problems connecting with children Do you mean children they want to adopt? Adoptee Change to "adoptive"
parents don't have access to records What kind of records?
, because discovering adoptee background could reveal an
abusive situation, therefore disrupting Change to "endangering"
the child's safety from biological parents
contacting them if they are alive Remove
. I think adoptee Change to "adoptive"
parents should become aware of the adopted
children's background so they can plan their future treatment in case the worse were to happen like in Mrs. Hilt's case." I'm assuming this part has been cut out of the final essay; if not, who is Mrs. Hilt?
"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents often give up their child because of the financial burden, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming. Children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes. A child needs a better life than the life that their Change to "an" unfit
biological parent can provide for them,
so adoption becomes a choice. "Ordinarily, statutes dispense with the parental consent requirement only when a parent has reached a serious level of unfitness that would be so significant as to terminate parental rights, or when such rights have already been judicially terminated" (Gale 125). When adoption is not a choice, child protective services can
step in to evaluate the family unit, and placing the child in temporary foster care is an option while the parents fulfill their legal obligations as directed by the law.
Child neglect, abandonment, striking a child has the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children Change to something such as, "...abandonment, and child abuse will attract the attention of social workers. It is their job to provide a better home for these wounded children."
. Irresponsible biological parents psychologically reject their own children and siblings Remove when they abandon them of their own free will I'm not sure what this means. Please clarify
. "A finding of abandonment may terminate a parent's rights and free the child for adoption with or without parental consent" (Gale 126). Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abuse, abandonment and neglect. When a child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of the child and siblings Remove
, because this may cause emotional outbreak Change to "breakdowns".
In other cases, records become restricted from adoptee or any source, in order to
protect from painful memories like molestation, sexual and emotional abuse. Sarah Lin of the
Los Angeles Times reports in this case a
father who served time as sex offender may receive custody of his two year old foster child from Los Angeles County.
"Los Angeles County don't automatically have their parental rights terminated just because they've been convicted of a sex crime" (B.1). Check your reference format for this citation; usually it is the last name of the author and then the page or paragraph number.
Biological parents are incarcerated for criminal actions of such crimes. "A parent rights may also be wavered in cases of serious child abuse or neglect" (Gale 126). In most cases like this one, the case should be closed, preventing
the biological parent, because of safety issues, and psychological effects. What does the records and biological parents have to do with giving custody of a foster child back to a convicted sex offender? Make sure you are staying on topic so the reader does not get lost.
But the records obtained
should be known Change to "opened"
in a settled Change to "professional"
way for medical purposes. I am disgusted that the Los Angeles County would do the unthinkable and return the foster child to his/her father, who is the sex offender.
"The opening of
adoption records is particularly important for children adopted from overseas. W
hen adoptees are Change to "become"
adults they discover similar traits from their genetic origin background How? If they do not know their biological background, how do they have information to compare these traits to and conclude they are similar?
. Laws for intercountry prohibit adoptees to gain access of records based on racial issues, when they are aware of their genetic origin This statement is confusing; please clarify
. Intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies, which increase the severity of inequalities against racial adoption. "On the other hand, children from South America are being adopted in greater numbers by U.S. citizens, as are children from China, Romania, and Russia" (Gale 127). For many years, minorities have been at the center of
controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America.
Perry, in his 1994
article writes, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," he argues "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state"
(58). The argument here is
, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive homes? The lives of these innocent children, lives are played with by the state. They need authoritive figures and guidance in their lives, so the state discriminates against these adoptees without families because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in. Adoption is the only way for their security. The Congress enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid racial discrimination adoptions or intercountry adoption to guard against in this quote: "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz 58)." Please see my corrections/suggestions in the previous posts regarding this passage.
, they discover similar traits from which are carried from their biological parents. See my earlier note regarding this statement (i.e. how do they have something to compare?) Set of rules for overseas to obtain records is a difficult process, when one searches for his/her biological parents." This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "Laws regarding overseas adoption records are confusing and the process is a difficult one for adopted children seeking his or her biological parents."