Hi everyone, thanks for reviewing my essays and helping me to improve.
With the pressures on today's young people to succeed academically, some people believe that
non-academic subjects at school (eg: physical education and cookery) should be removed from the
syllabus so that children can concentrate wholly on academic subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Perhaps today's youth are under pressure from many fronts to perform well than ever before, especially to excel academically. While I concede that academic subjects are of utmost importance, however, I am of the opinion that non academic activities are very vital for the overall development of the younger generation.
There are many reasons to support this opinion. It is said that academic studies help to enhance knowledge of the students in various subjects, but, at the same time, it makes one to become a bookworm and lose touch with the outside world. For example, children who do exceptionally in studies are more likely to be mediocre in physical activities and sports, with few exceptions. This produces imbalanced growth and affect children at a later stage. For this reason, schools must also include non academic lessons.
Another compelling reason why non academic subjects must be included is that it helps one to learn important life skills. There are those who say that academic subjects lay the foundation for a successful carrier, however, in this process, students should not lose certain other important aspects like physical education, cooking, drawing, dancing, etc., Ito be specific, Physical education is important for every children for the reason that it helps to rejuvenate the body and spirit, not to mention it assists in physical development of the youth. Moreover, learning various life skill subjects help one to become a well rounded personality and do well in all areas in life.
In conclusion, though academic subjects are important for better career opportunities, non academic subjects assist in physical development and learning important life skills. I strongly believe it should be continued for a better future generation.
First, I want to say you've made a strong point in your essay. There are some areas you can tighten. I've made recommendations below. Also, if you are allowed to cite in this eassy, I recommend adding supporting literature to these specific sentences:
It is said(Avoid starting sentences like this. that academic studies help to enhance knowledge of the students in various subjects, but, at the same time, it makes one to become a bookworm and lose touch with the outside world.The preceding sentence contains an excellent point that can be strengthened by first tightening the wordage and then adding supporting literature. For example, children who do exceptionally in studiesexcel in academics are more likely to be mediocre in physical activities and sports, with few exceptions. ThisAvoid starting sentences with "this," "that", "these," and/or "it." produces imbalanced growth and affect children at a later stage.
As I said above, your point is clearly understand. The fully essay will be stellar when you tighten the flow of words, avoid use or overuse of the "th-" words and "it" and cite literature that supports your opinion.
Great job! As a parent, I not only agree with your opinion but have witnessed the benefits of a well-rounded academic and extra-curricular schedule.
