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Private Eloquence/ PAST EXPERIENCE


cowman809 3 / 5  
Oct 16, 2008   #1
I would like a second opinion for my essay in terms of grammar and fully answering the question, of course I am not the person to do so.

Q. Select a past experience that has played an important role in making you who you are and explain what the experience was and why it was so important. This essay will demonstrate your mastery of stylistic techniques, i.e. voice diction, concrete details, syntax, and complex sentence structure.

Private Pre-Eminence?
Despicable, low life, and disruptive are all adjectives used by the private Catholic schools to described the public school system. I attended a private school, St. Augustine School (SAS), for the first nine years of my education and like all other private school students came to decide my high school of choice during the eighth grade. While under extreme pressure and scrutiny to choose a certain highly esteemed private school I chose to attend Culver City High School under a permit for its film. While I did not know it and resented the idea at the time, attending CCHS was the single most important event in my entire life.

During my time in private school I was a very naďve person. I saw the world in terms of my school and its small size. SAS and its high school counterpart's size were under four hundred, therefore there was no chance to meet new people or gain social skills. In private school I was taught that there is nothing different in the world and as a child I accepted that as fact. This contributed to my first few months at CCHS which were plagued with regret and anger over choosing a public school.

However, my mind and opinions have changed about both forms of school and so have my views on a myriad of subjects such as evolution and political leaning. When I was a freshman I was under the impression that public school students were inherently "bad." This coupled with my inadequate (and for a time unnecessary) skills in meeting new people gave me an immediate bad impression of CCHS. My eyes were still clouded by the falsities about my previous school including fraternity with classmates, the quality of the teaching, and the innumerate good times. As time moved forward and I entered my sophomore year I came to accept many of these supposed facts as half truths, but still respected SAS over CCHS. An interesting development, however, is the fact that I learned that wallowing in the past, for any reason, will not nourish progress.

While the major event that changed my life did take place while I was fourteen years old and an incoming freshman I did not realize it until the dawn of my junior year. By the start of eleventh grade I had established myself in high school. I knew many people, had extraordinary teachers*, and found a niche for myself in journalism. As a result the veil over my perception of public and private schools was lifted. No longer did I have a reason to resent CCHS and this allowed me to view both schools objectively. I was even led to discovering the numerous historical inaccuracies I was taught at SAS. This allowed me to understand that I should not take everything I learn as concrete fact and encouraged me to thoroughly research and acquire answers on my own.

The state I am in today would not be attainable without having attended CCHS. I was transformed to be much more social, think more, and am actually eager to begin school each morning. I am now interested in science and politics, subjects fundamental to an understanding of today's world and both suppressed in private school. I have shed the enormous amount of prejudice private upbringings indulge.

Thank you in advance, this has a 500 word limit so I think it may feel rushed in a few sentences.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 17, 2008   #2
"...gain any social skills . In..."

"...over choosing a public school."

"...This, coupled with my inadequate..."

"...my previous school, including who..."

"...the innumerate good times. As..."

"I now k new a great deal of people, had extraordinary teachers* (What is this for?), and found a niche for my talents."

"I am now much more social, I think more about the big picture, and am actually ..."

"I am now interested in science and politics, subjects fundamental..."

"...private upbringing indulges ."

Your subject matter and content are very appropriate for this prompt and are very well written. Nice work.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 17, 2008   #3
I like the changes. It is more streamlined and much cleaner. A good response to the prompt.


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