Hello friends, i need your comments and strong feedbacks to boost up my ability in writting.
Question:
Unemployment has become an increasing problem in recent past.
What factors contribute to an increase in unemployment and what steps can be taken to solve the problem?
Some aspects, such as migrations and global crisis, give critical vital contribution to rise up the number of people that out of work in prior years. Many parties should hand in hand to solve this can of worms. After giving explanations why this phenomenons come upwere exist, i will address several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems.
To begin with, migration explosion is one of factors that can stimulate this problem. This is because, people from rural areas have a willing to increase their economy level. That is a strong reason why they have a tendency to migrating to the cities in finding the jobs. Unfortunately, the industry in cities is not ready to accommodate the comers. For example, a recent study from the Global Employment Trends 2014 showed that the unemployment rate has raised to 3.8%, compared to 3.7% last year due to the migration. Statistically, this uncontrollable rate of migration contributes to the significant impact of the number of unemployment.
Furthermore, it has been six years since the start of the global financial crisis in many countries. Numbers of giant companies get bankruptcy and fired their employee. According to the International Labour Office, global unemployment reach the highest level on record because of the global crisis. More than 200 million people, 7 per cent of the global workforce, lost their job in 2009. Massive firing of workers gives a significant increase in the levels of unemployment.
Considering the solution, the government should establish rapid industrialization in countryside regions so that more job opportunities can be created. If these industries are grown, the rural people will live in wealth. Moreover, changing mindset from a worker to an entrepreneur is crucial to cut the number of jobless people. Creating our own company is much better than depending to others.
To sum up, the government has a substantial role to accommodate some job opportunities, but we should keep in mind that self-help is the best help. Instead of being a worker, making a new work field is best solution.
Nurul, I reckon that this essay (5 paragraphs) is quite different from other essays task 2 (4 paragraphs), but that is okay. There is no wrong or right in essay writing as long as you are able to answer all the questions given. Now, I would like to focus on correcting the first and the second of paragraph of your essay. You can see the detailed corrections below:
- ...give critical vital(inaccurate collocation)"important / significant | big / enormous / great / huge / major / strong / substantial | minor / modest / small | invaluable / positive / useful / valuable"(these are the list of proper adjective for 'contribution', you can choose one of them) contribution to rise upincrease the number of people that out of work in prior years.
- Many parties should hand in hand to solve this can of worms.(idiomatic expression is usually in spoken language, putting this in writing is not suggested)
- After giving explanationsabout why this phenomenon come upwere exist, iI(capital) will address...
- ...several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems. (solutions like what? at least give the general idea on this paragraph in order to make the reader know what are you going to write in body paragraphs)
- ...is one of the factors that...
- This is because (comma is unnecessary) people from rural areas have a will/willingness/tendency to increase their economy levelfinancial condition.
- ...a tendency to migratemigrating to the cities in finding theand search for some job vacancies .
- ...the unemployment rate has raisedrisen to 3.8%.
- ...the significant impact ofon the number...
As you can see Nurul, I do hope that my feedback can be taken as the consideration in helping you to enhance your writing skills, especially in IELTS. Good Luck for the next trial :)
Hi Nurul, after reading and understanding your response to this prompt, what I gathered is that you were able to come up with a well written essay. The thoughts and the ideas were collaborated properly in order to create a well rounded and well informed essay.
I believe the above corrections will help enhance your essay but no sweat, you were able to create an essay that answered the prompt properly as well as provided information that is not only relevant to todays world but also very accurate to the current status on unemployment. Believe it or not, I think this is one common denominator amongst countries all over the world. it's quiet hard to tackle and there are a lot of aspects to take note of before one administration can fully eradicate this issue.
Moreover, as seen in most cases, the government of each and every country are doing their best to take this issue one step closer to its elimination. Moving forward, the logical sequence of your essay is also well patterned and this is a good indication that you are able to answer the prompt and that the ideas are coming together with specific information that is highlighted in each paragraph.
Hi Nurul, I find that you are able to address the task greatly. You can explain your idea very well. However, please allow me to add some suggestions regarding to your essay.
The first paragraph of an IELTS essay is introduction. It will be better if you paraphrase the task first before jumping to your thesis statement. Factors of the rising unemployment rate in many countries are your thesis.
Unfortunately, the industries in cities are not ready to accommodate the comers -> In this part, I think you have to use plural form
they have a tendency to migratingmigrate to the cities
In your essay, you use the word "migration" more than three times. If you refers the migration from rural to urban area, you can use the term "urbanization".
Numbers of giant companies getgot bankruptcy and fired their employee (tenses consistency)
in the levels of unemployment
In your conclusion, you have to paraphrase your thesis statement. It is not only the measurements but also your mentioning factors.
I hope my advises will help you. Good luck in your IELTS test. Keep writing :)
Some aspects, such as migrations and global crisis, have givencritical vital contributions to rise up the number of ...
Many parties should hand in hand to solve this can of worms (Idiom are not allowed). After giving explanations why this phenomenons come upwere exist, i will address several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems.
Mei, your introduction has adequately addressed several points. However, you need to emphasize the problems and solutions at the beginnning.
After giving explanations why this phenomenons come upwere exist, i will address several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems.
This sentence, at least should mention the problems and the solutions, in order to differ you with another IELTS taker. Most people have used several pattern and it is not recommended to use it in the real exams. That's why, at least you should add several insights in your introduction to attract the examiner.
You dont need to give an explanation, because it will be given in the following paragraph.
May it helps, May. GBU! :)
