Question: People spend more and more time at their work place and don't spend enough time with family and friends. Why is this happening? What consequences can this have for the family life and society?
My answer:
In the contemporary society, more and more people are drowning in office's hustle and bustle, pursuing their shimmering and sometimes illusional goals, unable to withdraw themselves from the predicament that less and less time is spent together with their families and friends.
There are variety of reasons why people are doing so; some work overtime voluntarily while some are compelled by external forces such as senior staffs and mandatory sales target. Nonetheless, behind the both cases, there is one common account which is people's hot pursuit of material possession, which is to a large extent proportional to prestige and social status. Human's society is saturated with competition, as the total resource is limited and the allocation of these resources to individuals largely depends on how hard you try, and how many opportunities you are able to seize. Consequentially, more people choose to give up their leisure time, which would have been shared with families and friends, for striving in the illuminated office with a cup of coffee.
However, by sacrificing their personal time, some people eventually succeeded. They have scrambled to the pinnacle of their career, sitting on the hill of gold and trophies, only to find no one is willing to share the moment with them - they are all alone. "What happened?" they look down the path and ask themselves.
What happened is that they didn't grasp the balance between life and work. So mercenary they have become that they choose money, prestige and authority over their families and friends, unable to rein in their step towards the cliff of being alienated. Their family is teetering on the brink of being broken and their friends are no longer sincere and hearty; instead of being fruitful as anticipated, their life ends up being mired in the whirlpool of endless loneliness.
Besides the detrimental impact on personal life, this situation also jeopardises the whole society by enlarging the gap between individuals and compelling the society into a vicious cycle - seeing the benefit others receive from working overtime, more and more people follow onto the path and never be able to rein back; hence the plight of social alienation is exacerbated.
Life is not all about achieving and accomplishing; it's probably the time for some people to take a pause and share some quality time with their friends and families.
Thank you!
is it more important to consider about content than the structure and style of sentences in an IELTS essay?
I think contents are important, but it's really hard for me to come up with some meaningful ideas *_*||
Human's society is saturated with competition, as the total resourcesisare limited and the allocation of these resources to individuals
What happened is that...can we use form is with happened ?
So mercenary they have become that they choose money, prestige and authority over their families and friends, unable to rein in their step towards the cliff of being alienated ..in my opinion don't you need to make some changes in this sentence?.
pretty good.
if the reasons and the following consequences can be elaborated seperatly about familiy life and society, it would be clearer.
their shimmering and sometimes illusional illusory goals, unable to withdraw themselves from the predicament that in which less and less time can be spent together with their families and friends. ----Just a small change, not an important one.
Consequentially Consequently, more people choose to...
However, by sacrificing their personal time, some people eventually succeeded. They have scrambled to the pinnacle of their career, sitting on the hill of gold and trophies, only to find no one is willing to share the moment with them - they are all alone. "What happened?" they look down the path and ask themselves. ---Wow, this part is so beautifully written! Did you write it yourself?
Life is not all about achieving and accomplishing; it's probably about the time for some people to take a pause and share some quality time with their friends and families.
You are a talented writer!
Thank you so much for your corrections and suggestions :) Learnt a lot.
To EF_Kevin: Yes, I wrote it by myself. Thank you so much for your compliment, will help me to be confident in the exam!
awesome!
if i had even 10 percent of your talent, i'd be very very happy )
