Personally, I think that it is not direct cause if the dramatic increase in crimes like that.
Right after this sentence, before you end the first paragraph, I think you should add one more sentence. Add a thesis statement that sums up your whole essay. Can you express the main idea of the essay in one sentence?
Spending a lot of time alone and being less cared for
by parents, children are experiencing an increase in their levels of stress. The new generation cannot obtain...
By the way, many youth are getting accustomed to doing what they want without considering its negative and positive points.
On the other hand, there are many positive effects of increasing women labourforce. ------Of course there are... but I don't think this should be the focus of the essay. Your argument should be like this: Women and men both can earn money, and they both can raise the children, because gender equality is appropriate in the modern world.
In conclusion, I prefer to think women should work in part-time jobs while their children are at school, kindergarten as well. -----Okay, but I don't think they should work part time. If a woman has a career she loves, she can work full time while the man stays home! :-)