Please check my essay. Show me my weak parts and if possible rate it with IELTS band
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
"Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything." With this statement, Plato, a famous philosopher, recognized the importance of music . Music is a crucial part of all human cultures for a range of reasons, and I would argue that traditional music is more important than modern, international music.
Music is a thing that lives with all of us throughout our lives. As a children, thanks to lullaby of mother, we can sleep earier. Then, we are taught songs by our parents and teachers as a means of learning language, or simply as a form of enjoyment. Later in life, while growing up, we listen to a variety of music types of the world, so we can find out favourite songs. By dint of music, we finds friends that have something in common such as music styles, favorite singers. Moreover, when we get some stress in life, music is a way to relax. Music makes us love this life more ,and even heal our souls around the world. Music both expresses and arouses emotions in a way that words alone can not. In short, it is hard to imagine life without music.
From my perspective, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International pop music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. In the long run, it makes people feel bored because they listen them in lon g time. Traditional music, by contrast, expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. Furthermore, it connects us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. Traditional music is a sense of history, place and community.
By way of conclusion, , music is a necessary part of human existence, and I believe that traditional music should be given more importance than international music.
As a children, thanks to lullaby of mother, we can sleep earier
children are plural noun therefore you should use "as a child" or "as a kid".
By dint of music, we finds friends that have something in common such as music styles, favorite singers
...., we find friends that....
From my perspective, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International pop music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. In the long run, it makes people feel bored because they listen them in lon g time. Traditional music, by contrast, expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. Furthermore, it connects us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. Traditional music is a sense of history, place and community.
and then give examples to further lengthen this paragraph
By way of conclusion, , music is a necessary part of human existence, and I believe that traditional music should be given more importance than international music.
this is obviously a reword...this isn't a proper way of closing an essay...
hope this helps...
