We should pay attention to the opinions of famous people.

Here is my TOEFL essay, please comment and grade it. And if possible, please leave comments on my grammar and word using because I think they are very important to have a perfect essay. I am glad to read any words about your opinion. Thank you in advance

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
We should pay attention to the opinions of famous people.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

I am of the personal opinion that people should pay attention to the opinions of famous people, and such an opinion is based on the reasons elaborated below.

I believe that the statement of famous people is valuable because they are based on a lot of study in various fields, which I suppose can be best illustrated by some actors and actress were playing in different roles in movies which they could to guided me for watch the best movie in cinema; another example is, they were considered on pattern myself. Moreover, I think the opinions of famous people full of the great experience; therefore, I could cite to them, as in the case of when famous people saw a lot of different races of people in many countries, so the statements about the life of people were acceptable for the ones. Another point worth considering is the fact that famous people are successful in their lifetime thus maybe the opinions of famous people who are benefits than of common people, for instance they were known in between people and respectable in over of world. I would also like to point out that famous people have good at convincing the ones which people confided to them what were famous people to the ideas, for example, At this moment in time I hear a lot of advises and ways to improve my life, but I could not do all of them according to the background of people that they were famous people or scientists I could choose their ideas or opinions next personally I counsel to famous people that know in the industry and I started business work.

In order to wrap up I would like to reiterate that I think should pay attention to the opinions of famous people should be prefer their opinion because famous people are popular.

NAPH

It seems you omitted one important question: what / who makes people famous? In countries where there is no freedom of speech and no Constitution, the only famous people are those who are artificially created to be famous. You need to provide more insight on whether it is possible to manipulate who becomes famous and how genuine the current famous people may be. You also need to explore the phenomenon of paid (and often undisclosed) endorsement of popular celebrities towards a certain goal; would you still support the opinions of famous people if you knew they are just paid spokesmen and don't actually believe what they say?

Btw. you could also include some 'local' information about your parents, siblings, or other family members - do they encourage you to become a better person and can you learn anything from their lives, successes, and failures.

please leave comments on my grammar and word using.

Hello @Naph!

I am going to give you some suggestion:

!) If you are about to write TOEFL/IELTS essay, you have to study "parts of essay". Basically there should be 4 main paragraphs.
=> The first para will be introduction that you can paraphrase the topic given and thesis statement.
=> Second para will be detail idea of your agreement toward the topic (you can use one idea or multiple idea)
=> Third para will be detail idea of your disagreement toward the topic (you can use one idea or multiple idea)
=> the last para will be conclusion
I suggest you again, that even though you are more into agree or disagree, you should state both views. Thus will give you extra points on your final score.

2) There are still so many grammatical errors.


That's all I can help, I hope that will be helpful for you.

Keep Writing ^^