Prompt: Should parents make an important decision for their children??
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I'm a beginner in writing...I need your help.
Would you mind revising and giving a few feedback for this essay?
Thank in advance from the deepest of my heart
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If only I had a time machine like those in sci-fi movies, I would correct every blunder in my life; making an important life decision would be just a ridiculous task for me. In fact, making a decision can lead one to either a shining triumph or a hellish catastrophe; obviously, everyone wants to be successful so they must prudently analyze all decisions before choosing one. For us adolescents to surmount the adversity of choosing a proper pace, parents' advice is necessary. However, I firmly believe that parents shouldn't always make an important decision for their children for three main reasons.
First, parents as experienced adult should lead their children into experienced ones too; making all important decisions which might be a crucial lesson for them should be prohibited. Theoretically, making a decision is almost the same as solving a Mathematics problem since one uses his experience and knowledge to overcome such tasks. In fact, having parents decide what to do all the time for children, which like teachers always indicate solutions, deteriorates their judging skill. As death is inevitable, parents should recognize that one day they exist nowhere, they should let their children make a decision by themselves so that they can manage how to make a decision better in long run.
Second, only children themselves know what is inside their deepest urge. Parents' advice might be fine in their point of views but not in children's point of views. Believe me, obligating children to follow their parents' pace will lead to a failure in the future. For instance, one of my senior enrolled into medical faculty due to his parents' compulsion; however, he longed to be a singer. As a result, he didn't persevered in his studying, thus his grade is horrible.
Third, especially for teenagers, the fact that even now they still need parents' advice extremely humiliates themselves. As treating teenagers like that triggers them to be under a delusion that parents still look at them as a baby in pamper. Parents should perceive that we, teenagers, want to act like we're now mature so the best thing to do is just giving us love and information not a pure decision.
In everyday life, we have to face problems in making a decision; the decisions we made now can payback to us anytime. The better one knows how to make a proper decision, the better for him to grow into a promising adult. The thing is parents shouldn't help their children in making a decision by tell them what to do because that might make their children into inexperienced adult, contrast to their ideas and disgrace them.
Now expand your introduction by summarizing your reasons.
First, parents as experienced adult should lead their children into experienced ones too; making all important decisions which might be a crucial lesson for them should be prohibited.
You need to polish your grammar throughout your essay. In the above quotation, for instance, "parents", as a plural word, necessitates that you use "adults" later on in the sentence. Also, it is not grammatically clear here who should be prohibited from making decisions for whom, as the pronouns you use could easily refer to either the parents or the children.
for a beginner, i think that is quite good. however, u should notice to the usage of some words such:so,obviously...
In my opninion you writnig is so emctionally. If you write essay for exam,use formal verbs and words.
And one more thing my teacher says"if you use first, second, third don't use it because everyone use these words,sometime examiner feels boring to read." You need tranjection words, don't use it with every sentence.
Different from opinion above, I think it's nice to write something little bit emotional. It's rare to see someone writing something by their inner self for the Toefl test.
The grammer is fine, though I suggerst you using more transection words to smooth your article.
