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A new now technology will soon become out of date or even useless; education for further development


CE_15 1 / -  
Nov 10, 2014   #1
I have practiced writing for quite a long time. Although my grammar is ok, I think my way of arguing has some problems, so my essays are not persuasive. Please read and give me some advice. The prompt is : "Some people think governments should introduce new technology to improve the lives in developing countries while others think they should provide free education to achieve that. Do you agree or disagree ?" Here is my essay:

As the concept of globalization spread worldwide, we can easily see the rich countries helping poorer ones. They offer several types of help, including providing new technology or giving needy children free education. Free education, in comparison with technology, seems more effective because it provides benefits to the poor countries in many fields and in a long time.

Knowledge and thinking ability which students acquire through education is useful in numerous areas. New technology only helps in engineering, but these two things, beside engineering, can also be applied to business or arts. Also, good education makes talents. Without education, a student, though able to become a doctor or teacher, have to accept the life of a worker. Being a worker is not shameful, but he or she could do more to the country. Recognising the roles of talented students, Singapore, for example, not only provides an affordable education, but also seeks good students in developing countries. Even in technology, we need skilled engineers

with sufficient knowledge to run a new system. If an engineer operate a nuclear electric plant not properly, it will cause great danger.
Moreover, in the long run, an accessible education brings much more benefits. A new technology, while making big money in a short time, will soon become out of date and even useless. In the twentieth century, we witness DVDs dominating the music industry. In these days, we only buy singles online and listen to music everywhere with a smartphone; DVDs were forgotten. Therefore, a country must always adopt new technology, and to do this, we need young qualified engineers, the fruits of a good education. Some people propose that we should make some profits from a new technology first, and then use this money to improve our education. This idea makes sense, but we ought to have some talented graduates to make the best use of this technology.

A good education should be the main goal of developing countries, since it provides long-lasting benefits in numerous fields. It is about time poor countries improved their education system for further development.

Thanks for reading.
orlandok 1 / 3 1  
Nov 10, 2014   #2
Welcome to EssayForum, Trung!

I looked over your essay. It was written solidly, with little stray from the thesis, which was that Poorer countries need to focus on education first, rather than technology.

The only things that need editing are some of the english, but it was good, for the most part.

As the concept of globalization spreads worldwide, we can easily see the rich countries helping poorer ones. They offer several types of help, including providing new technology or giving needy children free education. Free education, in comparison with technology, seems more effective because it provides benefits to the poor countries in many fields and in a long time.

Knowledge and thinking ability which students acquire through education is useful in numerous areas. New technology only helps in engineering, but these two things, besides engineering, can also be applied to business or arts. Also, good education makes creates talents. Without education, a student, though able to become a doctor or teacher, havehas to accept the life of a worker. Being a worker is not shameful, but he or she could do more to assist the country, andits growth . Recognising the roles of talented students in Singapore, for example, not only provides an affordable education, but also seeks good students in developing countries. Even in technology, we need skilled engineers with sufficient knowledge to efficiently run a new system. If an engineer operate a nuclear electric plant not properlydoes not operate a nuclear electrical plant correctly , it willhas the possibility to cause great danger.

Moreover In the long run, an accessible education brings muchmany more benefits. A new technology, while making big money in a short time, will soon become out of date andor even useless. A decade ago, we witnessed DVD's dominating the music industry. In 2014, customers tend to purchase singles online and listen to music everywhere with a smartphone; DVD's were forgotten. Therefore, a country must always adopt new technology, and to do this, we need young qualified engineers, the fruits of a good education. Some people propose that we should make some profits from a newan emerging technology first, and then use said profit to improve

our education. This idea makes sense, but we ought to have some talented graduates to make the best use of this technology.
A good education should be the main goal of developing countries, since it provides long-lasting benefits in numerous fields. It is about time poor countries improved their education system for further development.


Edits I put in Red , and I used Strikethroughs to indicate some of the things I removed.

Hope you implement these edits, as they help support your thesis!

Kyle
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Nov 11, 2014   #3
, since it provides with long-lasting benefits in numerous fields. It is about time poor countries improved their education system for further development.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 11, 2014   #4
As the concept of globalization spread worldwide, we can easily see the rich countries helping poorer ones. They offer several types of help, including providing new technology or giving needy children free education. Free education, in comparison with technology, seems more effective because it provides benefits to the poor countries in many fields and in a long time

- Trung, this is an effective opening statement but it lacks the most important part in an opinion essay, your own opinion. You should present your opinion at the very start because it is the most important part of this essay. The rules dictate that you mention an overview of your opinion at the very start of your introduction alongside the restate prompt and the thesis of your essay. The thesis can come in the form of your opinion.

The reasons that you give within the essay are good and can be better discussed. However, if this is for a TOEFL essay, I can understand why you were not able to do that. There are grammatical errors here and there that can be corrected but only after the content of the essay has been revised to reflect your opinion on the matter. If you are not discussing any other opinion except your own throughout the essay, you should make it clear in the introduction or offer a transition statement to that effect. The conclusion needs work as well in terms of prompt restatement, summary of facts, and the conclusion based upon your opinion.


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