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Multiculturalism ; Accepting more cultures


qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Sep 14, 2013   #1
This is for my English class. I have to talk about my -ism, or a belief, that describes or is a part of me.
Please help me with
GRAMMAR
the BOLDED sentences (sentence structure)
and ANYTHING else (flow, coherence, clarity, etc.)

Thank you so much!!!

Sister. Daughter.Friend.These words carry different meanings, yet they are all part of who I am. Each word reflects my role in relation to someone else- I am a sister to my brother, a daughter to my parents, and a friend to a friend. I cannot identify myself solely with one position, but rather, I connect with all of them. As such, I connect with multiple cultures- the Korean, Chinese, Thai, and Western- and they all help define me as an individual. Although I was born and raised in a Korean family, I left my country even before I had learned the alphabets of my mother language. After that, I was on a constant journey in which I was exposed to one culture and then the next. Through living in various societies and accepting their values, I developed multiculturalism: identifying with and belonging to multiple cultures.

Multiculturalism can be developed when the individual is exposed to different cultures throughout his or her life.More specifically, multiculturalism is developed when the individual decides to accept more than one culture surrounding him or her. Without a doubt, I developed multiculturalism as I have lived in four countries over the course of my life and learned to love and embrace those four completely unique cultures.First of all, I identify with my Korean heritage and culture as I was brought up in a family that taught values, ate food, and spoke a language that was Korean. Through being a part of the Korean community wherever I went, I learned how to respect my elders, love my Kim-chi, and sing popular K-pop songs. When I was only six, though, I moved to New Zealand and become so absorbed in the culture that I was once called a "Kiwi"; I was given this nickname also because of my Kiwi accent and developed a love for the fruit.After enjoying the company of sheep, cows, and the wide green fields of New Zealand for two years, I followed my parents yet to another place- our mission field, China.To survive in the midst of this large population that shoved, yelled, and cut in line, I had to become accustomed and adjust to the boisterous and rowdy manners of the society. After living for a few years in China, I found myself pushing and shoving through a herd of people trying to get on the morning bus.Then when I felt that I had finally started accepting China as my home, I set off to Thailand for high school with hopes for a better Christian education. While living amongst the Thai people, it was surprising to see how they were very quite, polite, and respectful to each other as well as foreigners. Through observing the manners of the Thai people, I learned to lower my voice in public, respect the Thai king, or enjoy delicious traditional foods such as rice noodles. Whether it was Thai, Chinese, New Zealand, or Korean,I developed multiculturalism as I observed, and eventually absorbed, the culture around me by accepting the people, place, and their customs and values into my heart.

As my multiculturalism was developed, I began to see its effects on me internally and externally. My multiculturalism can be internal, when it is unseen, and external, when the aspect is clearly exposed to others.Internal multiculturalism usually takes the form of an inner struggle as I try to make sense of the conflicting values I hold onto. For example, I tend to become nervous when I am around elders in Korea because I want to be polite but do not always know how to. Since I was schooled in a relatively western environment, I was used to being much more familiar and intimate with those who were older than me. I could say "you" or wave my hand to say hi to my American teachers, while I need to use terms and show actions of respect when addressing elders in Korea. My exposure to both cultures with different values causes me to deliberate on what is right or wrong in different contexts. The other form, external multiculturalism, is displayed when it is clearly shown to others that I identify with many cultures. The fact that I can speak three languages relatively fluently is an illustration of external multiculturalism. Language is an integral part of any culture because it reflects the values of the society it represents. Korea and China, as hierarchical societies in that they use respectful terms to elders, have specific words to express those who are older than them; whereas the United States, with an egalitarian culture, does not address older siblings as "older brother" or "older sister," but as "you." My ability to speak and understand the significance of the Korean, Chinese, or English language shows that I connect to those cultures to a certain extent.

Along with the previously mentioned benefit of speaking multiple languages, there are other pros of multiculturalism: having a better understanding of various cultures and being deemed culturally diverse. Drawbacks to multiculturalism include the lacked sense of belonging and the confusion that the values of multiple cultures bring.Through living in many distinct cultures that identify themselves in unique ways, I have learned to be flexible with my perceptions and values. For example, while I learned to adjust to the unruly nature of the Chinese, I also became accustomed to the slow and quiet culture of the Thais. I realized that different cultures valued different aspects in life and learned to accept those values as they were. Because of my acceptance of values from dissimilar cultures, however, I have a hard time trying to figure out what values I must use for each context. For example, when I was in Korea during summer break, I had a farewell dinner with my mother's side of the family. I unintentionally sat where my grandparents called the "best seat," and I was mildly teased for my ignorance. Accustomed to the western ways in which the seating does not matter as much because of its egalitarian nature, I had made a significant mistake in an alternative cultural setting. Another negative aspect of multiculturalism is that I did not live in a certain place long enough for me to feel strong connected to it. Unlike many others, I do not fit in anywhere exclusively and I lack a strong sense of belonging. Although I am and look Korean, I feel foreign in my home country when students my age talk about the latest Korean fashion trend or give an allusion to a popular show in Korea. I will probably never be able to escape my multiculturalism because it has become such an integral part of me. And I do not intend to. I desire to be a multiculturalist who loves Kim-chi, enjoys Thai sticky rice, speaks English, but lived in China for seven years, and is residing in yet another place where she will discover a new and exciting culture.
yosh503037 12 / 22 2  
Sep 14, 2013   #2
Hey Sol Bee Park,

Wow! This is a really well-written and interesting essay. Having read through the essay, I can tell you there was very little that I saw to fix, yet I have fixed those components of the essay that required just minor tweaking. A specific note about grammar: I know it might not sound proper/fair, but when you mention, as you do in your essay, "an individual", should you desire to use an appropriate pronoun for it, try not to use "he or she" or "him or her." Instead (again, this might seem odd and unequal), choose one: solely use "he" or "him" (or, equivalently, solely "she" or "her"). Also, the only problem I see with your essay is that your last paragraph is slightly repetitive. Just as a side question, was this essay a college one (as your title says) or for English (as your top part indicates)?

Hope that helped! Also, I woudl love if you could read through some of my college essays and give any feedback on them! Good luck
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Sep 14, 2013   #3
Thanks for the feedback :)
I'll look into your essay once I have the time to.
This essay is for an English class at my college :)
May I ask why you asked? lol
You're a senior at high school?
yosh503037 12 / 22 2  
Sep 14, 2013   #4
Oh, wow. Haha, yeah: I was thinking about first college application essays (which I'm doing right now): MIT/Stanford being my priorities if you have the time. Thanks!
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Sep 14, 2013   #5
As such, I connect with multiple cultures- the Korean, Chinese, Thai, and Western, and they all help define me as an individual.

How do I correct this sentence?! Please HELP!
mimilambie77 1 / 2  
Sep 14, 2013   #6
I think I could help you with your sentence.
as such, I connect with multiple cultures--- the Korean, Chinese, Thai, and Western, and they all help define me as an individual.

I hoped this help you!
jidelomo3 2 / 4  
Sep 15, 2013   #7
nice write,keep up the good work
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Sep 16, 2013   #8
yet they are all part of who I am.

....yet they all together define who I am.

I am a sister to my brother, a daughter to my parents, and a friend to a friend.

.... try not to repeat the same word and tone.
I am a dear sister to my siblings, an obedient daughter to my parents and a trustworthy friend to my colleagues.

Sister. Daughter.Friend.These words carry different meanings, yet they are all part of who I am. Each word reflects my role in relation to someone else- I am a sister to my brother, a daughter to my parents, and a friend to a friend. I cannot identify myself solely with one position, but rather, I connect with all of them.

.... good idea to enter into this essay :)


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