It is my first attempt at IELTS writing task 2. Please help by pointing out my errors and giving comments. You can grade my essay on the scale of 9 if you like!
Topic:
A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory? Explain your position.
My essay
By offering more job opportunities to people, new factories might bring many good things to a community. However, a large factory constructed near my hometown would be a "disaster" in many aspects. In a long term, It would bring more health and social problems to city-dweller. For those two reasons, I totally oppose the plan to build a factory near my community.
First of all, a large factory would devastate the environment in my city by making noise and pollution. Habitat will suffer from many potential health problems by breathing impure air, drinking polluted water, and eating contaminated food which are caused by toxic substances produced by factories. Besides, many people are not aware of noise pollution which is another serious problem. This kind of pollution would not affect our physical but our mental health. People would often get headache and easy to lose their temper which would bring our happy and stable life away.
Second, the new large factory would change many traditional values of my city by bringing an immigration wave. My city, a small, quiet, beautiful, and unpopulated town, is an ideal place to live for the old, and an interesting place to studying for the young. It would be a shame that there are more exotic people coming to our city and take the peace atmosphere of the city away. Increasing in the city population also leads to many social problems such as hooliganism and vandalism.
A factory would be helpful in some ways. However, the benefits of having a factory are outweighed by the risks. That is why I cannot support a plan to build a factory here.
(273 words)
"city-dweller" is a countable noun I think, you should change it to "city-dwellers"
People would often get headache and easily lose their temper which would bring our happy and stable life away.
"and an interesting place to studying for the young." there is also a grammar mistake in this sentence, do you mean " an insteresing place for students"?
