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International and traditional music should be treasured and respected equally.


yucky 6 / 9 7  
Jul 12, 2013   #1
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

There is little room to doubt that music has been playing a privotal role in our daily lives.However, the debate over whether traditional music is superior to international music has long been in question and worldwide music lovers are deeply divided over this controversy. This essay will elaborate on these aforementioned issues.

First of all,music is the food of our souls.It provides tired minds with a healthy entertainment and opens a way for us to escape from all the hustle and bustle of lives. Nowadays people can't live without music.It's such a magic pill to cure bad moods and heal emotional wounds. Secondly, music can be a stimulus to encourage us to go through the ups and downs of lives. In addition, there are meaningful songs that teach invaluable life lessons and speak up for things that words are unable to describe.

Turning to which kind of music is more essential. I am convinced that although traditional music should be preserved as national belongings, mordern music also plays a significant part in bettering our lives. On the one hand, traditional music represents for a region's identity as it undergoes momentus changes in one's history.Traditional music also contributes a great deal in passiong down cutural heritages to the next generations and helps buit their pride in their mother country's uniqueness.On the other hand, international music brings worldwide citizens closer as through music, mutual understandings and friendship can be attained across cutures and global peace is also developed.

To sum up,music has had a fundamental impact on man kind since the begining of our story and each kinds of music has its own merits which I believe should be treasured and respected equally.
allyferns2495 2 / 7  
Jul 12, 2013   #2
corrections: cut outadditionspell check and suggestions

It provides tired minds with a healthy entertainment.

there are meaningful songs that teach invaluable life lessons and speak up for things that words are unable to describe , people identify themselves within the type of music they listen too.

should be preserved as national treasures . (instead of belongings)
On the one hand, traditional music represents for a region's identity as it undergoes momentus changes throughoutone's history.

passing

On the other hand, international music brings worldwide citizens closer as through music, mutual understandings and friendship can be attained across cutures and global peace is also developed.- for this point you'd want to develop on it some more and explain just HOW music brings about world peace and togetherness.

To sum up,music has had a fundamental impact on man kind since the beginning of our story and each kinds of music has its own merits which I believe should be treasured and respected equally.- you could use other words instead of "to sum up" it sounds... crude.. somehow.

hope I've been helpful and goodluck!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 12, 2013   #3
There is little room to doubt that music has been playing a privotal role in our daily lives

.... I cannot find any relevance of this sentence to your topic or the rest of the essay you have written. What's your point in having this line?

First of all,music is the food of our souls

.... hey... here you are telling the opposite of what you've stated above ... did you mean that "there is no doubt" ? (above line)

First of all,music is the food of our souls.It provides tired minds with a healthy entertainment and opens a way for us to escape from all the hustle and bustle of lives. Nowadays people can't live without music.It's such a magic pill to cure bad moods and heal emotional wounds. Secondly, music can be a stimulus to encourage us to go through the ups and downs of lives. In addition, there are meaningful songs that teach invaluable life lessons and speak up for things that words are unable to describe.

.... If you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS, it's important that you include more specific examples to back your reasons. In this paragraph you have several reasons, but I don't find specific examples.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 12, 2013   #4
Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

This is a yes/no question.

You've hinted at the answer toward the end of your essay, but you haven't elaborated on it.

YES or NO and WHY
OP yucky 6 / 9 7  
Jul 14, 2013   #5
Thank you very much for your comments! I really appriciate your help.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 21, 2013   #6
As others suggest above you need to attend to your essay structure. Let me comment on some thing else that I noticed in your essay;

... your reason here is that music is a great way to relieve stress and it's a great mood fixer.This is a good answer for "why do we need music?" However, in this paragraph you keep saying the same idea over and over again in different forms that makes the reader tired. So, limit your reason to one or two lines (max) and then support it with a good example.
shirazu 1 / 2  
Jul 22, 2013   #7
hi. Try to increase the number of words. Its just 333 words.


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