Hi, I'm Widi, I'm newbie here. I really need your help to edit my essay.
My teacher gave an assignment to write an essay about person who I admire and the essay must be edited by someone who better in english than me.
FYI, I'm not english native speaker, so my english is very poor. Please help me :-(
My essay maybe too much error grammar and meaningless, so I need your help to tell me the error and what should I write. Thank you :-)
Here's the essay,
My Incredible Woman
Every human being born into the world because of a woman. The incredible woman called mother. The incredible woman who risked her life while she pregnant in nine months. The incredible woman who raised her child tirelessly. No matter what, those incredible women always take care of us. Everybody should be proud about their mother. So do I. I am proud of my mother, so that I want to talk about her in this essay.
My mother was born in Bandung, fifty-three years ago. Growing up in a poor family make she becomes accustomed to be a hard worker since her early age. She did not study until high school because of her family economy hardship, but she is a versatile woman. After she graduated from her school, she attended many courses by her own money which was she got from trading in traditional market. She attended cooking course, sewing course, and make-up course. Economy hardship did not stop my mother's steps. She kept studying. She precisely searched ways to wake up from her hardship.
Got married in young age is very rare now but it was experienced by my mother. She got married when she was seventeen years old. My mother has been a laborer in a factory at the time. The salary was not quite much, but it was enough to finance her sisters' education. Two years after marriage, my mother gave birth to my first brother and a year later my second brother was born. Since those moments, my mother decided to resign from her job in factory, and started her own beauty parlor. Her appreciations-which she got while attended make up course-made her beauty parlor has high reputation and always crowded by the customers. Unfortunately, my father did not give my mother permission to continue her business. He burnt all of my mother's parlor stuff. Then she decided to be a household woman as my father wished.
Few years after that, my third brother was born. My grandmother asked my mother for gave her a girl grandchild, but in my mother's mind at that time was enough for had three children. Sadly, six years later my grandmother passed away, just two years different with my birth. My mother was very sorry. After my birth, my mother actively attended woman organizations in the housing where we are living. She also started to open food catering at home. One of her specialties is cooking, she is very good "chef". But, again, my father did not agree with my mother's activities. He asked my mother to be a household woman again.
On 2004, my father decided to quit from his work. Finally, he gave my mother permission to do what my mother wants. My mother became an entrepreneur eventually. Even though my mother is not young anymore, she works very hard and tirelessly. My mother told me, "You have to keep your dreams alive, because the dreams will hardly press you to study and never cease you from striving." She never got tired to reach her dreams. It is inspiring me a lot. She always tells me to be kind, because a kind person will always be blessed by Allah. Also, one more precious thing in life is being patient. I want to thank my mother for all things that she gave to me, and all things that she taught to me. I love you, Mother. I hope I will be as incredible as you are.
Every human being born into the world because of a woman.
Sentence lacks a verb. Born into the world is an adjective phrase (I think) modifying "human being." You need to add a verb. A suggestion would be, "Every human-being born into this world is indebted to a woman."
The incredible woman called [a] mother
or "The incredible woman called "Mother." "
The incredible woman who risked her life while she pregnant infor nine months.
Pregnant can be interpreted. Less is more.
The incredible woman who tirelessly raised her child tirelessly .
Never separate adverb and verb unless you're trying to go for a stylistic statement. I don't think that's what you're going for in this sentence.
No matter what, thosethese incredible women always take care of each and everyone of us.
Everybody should be proud about their mother. So do I.
Just a stylistic point: I don't really think EVERYBODY is necessarily proud of their mothers all the time. It's more diplomatic to just focus on your own feelings, because you may not be able to "command" others to feel the same way. Perhaps "These women are awe-inspiring. Hence, I'm proud to be a son/daughter to one. I'm proud of my mother, a woman who has [quickly summarized the hardships she overcame] to [what did she support you with? How did she change your life]." would sound better? This also depends on personal preference and writers' styles.
so that I want to talk about her in this essay.
Never put "writing about xyz in this essay" in an essay. It just doesn't flow. I don't really know how to explain this, as a native speaker :( Just... don't...
