Hi everybody! My writing skill is so bad. So, could you please help me correct my essay. Thanks...
Topic:
"In recent years, many countries have become extremely concerned about the increase in crimes committed by young people. Tough measures and strict punishments are necessary to stop youths from re-offending.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?"
Nowadays, many people in different areas of the world are worried about youth's crimes are increasing. Some people think that the government should use strong measures and serious punishments to prevent young people who commite crime. However, that is not the best way to prevent youth's crimes because if we do them, we can not solve the cause, we just solve the effect. So, I think that if we want to reduce and prevent the crimes, especially the youth's crimes, we should do by two ways: improve education system and creating jobs.
In fact, the first thing leads young people to commite crime is that we have not got good education system. Therefore, the children can not distinguish what is true or wrong. To prevent young people to become criminals, we must improve the education system in order that they can have good awareness of what they do. Besides, parents have an important role for educating their children. Therefore, parents should also take care of and educate their children more carefully.
To create a lot of jobs suitable for young people also helps us prevent them to do bad things. One of the causes why people commite crimes is that they do not have work to do; as a result they do not have enough money. Therefore, they haven not got good life such as lack of food to eat, lack of money for their requirements and so on. Thus, they do illegal things to earn money. For this reason, one method that can prevent crime is social and the governments must create many kind of careers for people, especially young people.
In brief, although we need to use punishments to punish, prevent and educate the criminals, I think that we should not use tough measures and serious penalties because if we do them, we can not solve this situation. In my opinion, to prevent the crimes, we have to do two things: improve system's education and create a lot of jobs.
Your essay is quite good, however; it will become nicer if you start beginning of your paragraph with phrases like: First of all, secondly, Finally and To conclude.
