Hi, Thank you in advance for the kind help. I aim to get band 7 and above. Any feedback is appreciated.
In many countries, more and more young people are leaving schools and unable to find jobs after graduation. What do you think youth unemployment will cause to the individual and the society? And make some suggestions.
---------------------------------
People born in the 1980s and 1990s, unlike the "baby boomers", are having a hard time finding employment after they graduate from universities due to the global financial crisis. For instance, less than 50% of the young people in Spain are employed, while their counterparts in Greece have even worse luck.
The high youth unemployment creates trouble not only for the individuals but also for the society. For individuals, unemployment leads to lower self-esteem and increased mental stress, not to mention the financial difficulty unemployment brings. Furthermore, if young people cannot find jobs after they left school, they may feel lost and lose hope for their future. For society, mass youth unemployment places a heavy burden on the welfare system and can even lead to social unrest.
I suggest three ways to battle youth unemployment. First, we should encourage companies to recruit more young graduates by giving them tax breaks incentive. For instance, the UK government has already introduced such rules that the companies are entitled to lower tax rate when they take on a certain number of young apprentice. Second, we should introduce more practical courses and even internships in schools where young people can horn their practical skills so that they become more attractive in the job market. Finally, we should keep encouraging young unemployed people to hunt for jobs and offer mock interview service so that they do not lose heart.
Youth unemployment is a social problem, and we should do all we can to battle this problem.
Hi, I would like to comment on your IELTS task 2 writing.
It is a good writing, if I were the examiner, I would give you a band score of 6.0 - 6.5
Your first paragraph should paraphrase the question. I knew that you were trying to have an interesting essay by opening in such a way. Somehow, it's not always necessary.
You should elaborate more on how youth unemployment impact the society. Based on the question, you should mention in your answer three things: impact of youth unemployment on the individual, on the society and make some suggestions.
You should work better on the last paragraph
Sophie, I would like to try to assess your writing based on public band descriptors of IELTS task 2. This is what band 7 writing looks like:
Task Response: addresses all parts of the task
presents a clear position throughout the response
presents, extends and supports main ideas, but there may be a tendency to over-generalise and/or supporting ideas may lack focus
Feedback:
- I think that all parts have already been addressed by you. Then, your clear position throughout the response is also clear. However, unfortunately, your suggestion is too general. This made you failed to elaborate or emphasize key points of your ideas. Composing multiple idea paragraphs is good, but you need to go the extra mile for that. I think in this case, one idea paragraph is still better, as long as you can extend and support your main ideas. In fact, why did you only write 251 words? you can maximize your effort in this part.
Coherence and Cohesion: logically organises information and ideas; there is clear progression throughout
uses a range of cohesive devices appropriately although there may be some under-/over-use
presents a clear central topic within each paragraph
Feedback:
- For this one, I think your cohesive devices are still limited and there are some repetitions, and some of them are common. However, you are still able to present a clear central within each paragraph, which is good.
Lexical Resource: uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation
Feedback:
-I didn't see less common lexical items and I noticed some repetitive words here, you mentioned 'for instance' twice, and 'unemployment' six times. I reckon that using 'personal pronoun(s)' are okay, but over-using it is not appropriate for an academic essay. So, you still cannot reach this stage.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: uses a variety of complex structures
produces frequent error-free sentences
has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors
Feedback:
- In the part of 'frequent error-free sentences' are okay. You also had good control of grammar and punctuation, even there were few errors such as 'not only...., but also' (missing comma), number of apprentice(s) (should be plural). Unfortunately, your variety of complex structures were not so wide.
Having said that, in my view, I guess this essay is worth between 6.0 and 6.5.
Do not think that this is your actual score, I just try to do my best to give a comprehensive assessment towards your essay.
Best of luck for the next one! :)
Sophie:
Hi, your essay is really understandable and realistic, but please dont use "I" more frequently, please try more passive voice, which can make your article look more professional.
