Who can help me to correct my essay?
The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. The new fashion will be to have several careers or ways of learning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life. In what extent do you agree or disagree? (Cambridge IELTS 1)
MY essay:
The technology's development brings about many changes in our society, today. One of these changes is the way people think about careers. Having a single career, having further education or having several careers, what is the best way? In this essay, I'm going to make it clear.
In the first place, to my parents' generation, having a single career tended to be popular. As technology's underdevelopment, each person could not get more career than one. They worked for eight hours each day, and then spent other time for their families, etc. However, today, to the new generation, the idea of having a single career is being old fashioned. The developmental economics makes young people become more and more active, their desire to affirm themselves is stronger. As being educated many subjects in schools, their knowledge is available to them in working in many fields such as Art, Biology or Physical education, etc. Having several careers means they can earn more money and spend more money for their own lives
To someone who likes the idea of having further education which seems to be the most safety way, they can extend their school- time, improve their knowledge. However, it isn't a best way through our lives. Education is limited. Different from studying which only gives us theory; working gives us reality knowledge which is more attractive to everyone.
In conclusion, to compare these three ideas together, it's easy to see that having several careers is the most popular society's tendency. It's suitable for the socioeconomic's development and the change in young people's psychology
today
"The technology's development brings about many changes in our society, today. One of these changes is the way people think about careers. Having a single career, having further education or having several careers, what is the best way? In this essay, I'm going to make it clear. "
Ugh. The rest of the essay isn't much stronger. You have written an essay on careers without ever mentioning a single specific career as an example. Instead, you talk in broad generalizations, often mangling the grammar just enough to make your statements seem a bit off. Try this again, but this time, ground all of your points in specific, concrete examples that can prove the statements you are making.
