This essay I wrote is for Governors school. My subject was "why or why not should high schools require community work hours in order to graduate. Some believe forcin it doesn't count as volunteerism anymore. I already had one teacher edit it, but i dont think she did a good job. Please be very picky and help me add longer and more complicated vocabulary. The second paragraph is a rebuttal, does it sound okay? thank you, if you edit mines, i will help you with yours also. Thanks
In order to be a part of a humane and civilized society, giving back to the community is important. Young people under the age of 18 are the best candidate to volunteer in the community because they have plenty of energy to contribute, and also fresh new ideas. High schools should require students to complete certain hours of community work because it will expose them to different environments, and the valuable skills they will gain will be beneficial in all aspects of life.
Some parents and students might argue requiring hours of volunteer work is not considered volunteerism and forcing a student will never benefit the volunteer or the cause. But it is important to understand, high schools are supposed to guide students. Without support, a teenager will never know how to take the first step in order to help his or her community. After completing the required hours, a lot of students discover that helping someone is their true passion.
There is so much more to education than learning facts that are written in a text book. Education is learning how to live life selflessly by giving back. Younger generations are unaware of what takes place around them. Volunteerism will expand horizons and will prove to them how fortunate they are. Interacting with people less fortunate at a soup kitchen will help adolescent understand that there are many people who do not have enough to feed themselves or their families. Experiences such as this will open the eyes of teenagers, allowing the chance to see a world beyond all the luxuries. Teenagers are rarely exposed to what is considered the "real world". Teenagers can sometimes be a bit selfish, but a selfless act such as volunteering can help them become better citizens.
When a student volunteers, he or she is helping the community, but also helping themselves. Volunteering promotes interaction with people of different kinds, sharpening communication and social skills. These skills are crucial for an individual to succeed in life because it helps them work cooperatively with others and gives them enough confidence to communicate effectively. It is necessary to learn to express ideas and thoughts without adversity. Problem solving skills are also adopted, that can be applied to one's professional life later on. These skills can be helpful for the individual and also people around him or her. If students use volunteering skills they learned, as adults, maybe today's economic issues can be solved.
A high school education will not be completed if students are not encouraged to donate their time to others who are in need. At this critical age, students should be exposed to different cultures, environments and people. Also experiencing hard work will prepare for what lies ahead in life. Students should be forced to complete volunteer work in order to graduate because it will teach them invaluable skills and broaden their views.
Pretty good. Good details and good job of writing formally, however maybe you could include some statistics or research. For example, you could find statistics on the effects of mandatory volunteering. Like, according to ... research institute (this is an example) research has shown that ----- percent of students who do mandatory volunteering result in good grades. Also, for research you could try to find out if any studies have been done comparing students who do mandatory volunteer work vs. students who don't. Don't forget to cite your sources. The conclusion isn't quite clear cut. The conclusion is basically a restatement of your thesis and some details from any paragraphs. Just start your conclusion like all in all there are many benefits to making community work mandatory for students, then list your arguments and especially some details from research you included in your essay. If I was your professor, I would've given you a 79 on the essay. Just add in some of the stuff I suggested, and you should be fine.
P.S.- could you take a look at my essay? It is titled how to write a persuasive essay for school uniforms (something like that)- Thanks in advance!
In my opinion, these sentences should be:
the valuable skills they will gain will be beneficial in all aspects of life.
-> the valuable skills gained will be beneficial in all aspects of life.
he or she is helping the community, but also helping themselves
-> he or she is not only helping the community, but also helping themselves
Problem solving skills
-> Problem-solving skills
Did you post only a part of your essay or is this the full essay?
If this is the full essay, then where is the introduction that introduces your topic to the reader?
In order to be a part of a humane and civilized society, giving back to the community is important.
... very good sentence.
Some parents and students might argue requiring hours of volunteer work is not considered volunteerism and forcing a student will never benefit the volunteer or the cause.
Some parents and students may argue that forcing a student to engage in voluntary work would not meet the desired outcome of making students socially responsible.