IELTS writing Task 2 : High Education or Work Experience - there are several opinions

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work. How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?

Several communities believe that graduating from university determines the job opportunity while the numerous in rest argue that better work relates to much more experience. However, mastering occupation is the first point in job desk. I firmly believe that background education is considered to apply job especially in accepted possibility.

On the one hand, a huge number of people claim that people who have graduated from university are easy to get a job. It is because the qualified university provide the high standard for system education which give more preparation at work. A 2007 report from the Association of American Colleges and Universities highlighted a set of high impact practices such as internships, community-based learning, studying abroad, and research outside of the classroom. It leads students to cultivate the experience and development for success. It is true that student have to finish their study in high level.

On the other hand, average populations observe that student do not need to study in university since the job experiences which mirror the person's capability is important. A 2013 report by High Fliers Research concluded that college graduates without work experience have little chance of getting a job. So, job seekers need work knowledge in order to get better job. It can not be denied that work literacy is completely important for applying job.

To sum up, the ability by working experience shows the people's capacity, however, it can not be denied that completing the high education leads to high position in occupation. So, it is imperative that university graduation influences the possible admitted job.

Hello liv_ryu

I rewrote some sentences for you so that the text sounds better (stylistically):

Several communities believe that graduating from university determines the job opportunity while... Whereas some people believe that one's career prospects are solely determined by the person's possession of university diploma, others tend to think that it is so much more about him or her holding much experience in a particular professional field.

I firmly believe that background education is considered to apply job especially in accepted possibility. I strongly believe that one's educational background is the main factor to be considered by the potential employers.

a huge number Many/some
are easy to get a job. are more likely to get a job
A 2007 report The 2007 report
It leads students to cultivate the experience and development for success It encourages students to gain experience in the chosen field so that they can excel academically.

It is true that student have to finish their study in high level.there is no need for this sentence
average populations observe it has been observed
is important. is more important
A 2013 report The 2013 report
for applying job. when it comes to applying for job
the ability by working experience shows the people's capacity, however, it can not be denied...this is rather unintelligible... I'm not sure what you were going to say. You could say: Even though it is indeed important for a person to show that he or she holds much professional experience, when it comes to hiring, it is equally important for him or her to prove being highly educated.

Dear writer,

try to avoid use same connector or contrast word
better if you say On the other handHowever/In contrast , average populations observe that student ...

keep writing. :)