Q:One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expetancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweight the disadvantages.
Good health is one of the crucial components that must be owned by everybody. In this case, many developed countries prove that the advance of medical care gives a significant increase of living longer and life expectancy to the citizens, and vice versa in the developing world. I personally believe that the improvement of this has many benefits for the societies than the drawbacks which are shown.
Commonly, an effort to raise the medical care makes the societies more productive in older age, because they are still healthy and can work up to 60-70 years old. To illustrate this, most of elderly citizens in developed countries can create handy crafts, such as sewing as well as knitting clothes. Consequently, this adds the income to their nuclear families and the tax to their own countries. There is no doubt that the old societies are more creative because of good medical support.
In addition, the elderly people in the first world nations are more independent than the older once in developing countries. It is because they can live without full physical support from the younger. For instance, in Japan, the grandmother and grandfather do not become the burden to their families, even they can precisely help and play with their grandchildren. Finally, it can reduce the money, which has to be spent to employ a baby sitter. All in all, it argues that more autonomous dwellers can be found in industrial nations.
On the other hand, it can affect over population of the citizens. It is because the number of old people increase, whereas the rise of fertility rate has turned the highest problem. In China, for instance, the density trouble cannot be solved thanks to this improvement. Finally, the government's policy to reduce the trend of over population is merely stagnant. In brief, the elderly societies cause the rise of the number of inhabitants.
Overall, it is evident that the pros about the developing medical care are much more than the cons. I strongly believe that the policy about this improvement has to be applied by the governments in all nations because older people are the humans who have ever given contribution to the country and the countries have to guarantee their quality of life.
Anita, when you say "living increase and life expectancy", you actually mean the same thing, which is a longer life. Therefore, you can use one description or the other, but never both. Using both results in redundancy which shows a lack of understanding of the English vocabulary. You also cannot say vice-versa in the introduction. You are not stating the results of a report as in the case of the IELTS writing task. Always present a complete representation of your opinion or discussion in the opening statement. Don't use shortcuts. You have to prove that you have the advanced ability to use the English language and the best place to do that is in the first paragraph of an essay. Mostly because this is the point during the reading of your essay, when the examiner's attention is still fully on the paper that you wrote and the skills that you display.
One of the weaknesses that I see in your essay is the way that you do not fully represent the benefits of a longer life. You mention generalized information without actually mentioning the source of the information. Offer examples of government health programs that have resulted in the longer life expectancy of the elderly. Then connect it to the examples that you have stated in your essay. That is one way of creating a strong discussion point in your essay.
As for your disadvantage argument, you need to develop that paragraph in a better sense. It seems to just be a rushed summary of your reasoning and that creates a confusing paragraph for the reader. Try to clarify your point of discussion and make sure that it is easily understandable.
You know that you cannot discuss your opinion in the conclusion right? So why did you do that in this essay? Revise your conclusion. Write a real conclusion that does not include your personal opinion. That should be a separate, stand alone paragraph. Don't mix it in with your conclusion. That shows that you do not really know how to write an English essay.
