Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged.
Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both views and give own opinion.
It is assumed that competitive sense in children should be supported more than cooperative sense. In this case, unfortunately, sense of competition makes children see that earning high grades will be more important than actual learning. Meanwhile, sense of cooperation, in fact, actually makes them learn important cooperative social skills that they will need later in their working lives. Therefore, I extremely believe that encouraging cooperative sense is the recommended course of action.
With regard to the sense of competition, some people believe that it should be encouraged because the children's score in class will be improved. In addition, competitive sense makes students believe that achieving high grades such as achieving 'A' score on Math or English will be much more valuable than the process of learning like making mistakes and solving math equation. As a result, this might hamper children's mental behavior, neglecting others, and become selfish person. Consequently, competitive sense in children is not suggested.
However, the reason why I do not believe that competitive sense is better than sense of cooperation is, in fact, cooperative sense gives more important cooperative social skills in which they will possibly need in their future such as working cooperatively with others and having discussion to reach a consensus. As a consequence, this actually benefits not only for the children but for the society who lives or works with them. Finally, it is firmly accepted by the common sense that cooperative sense gives more positive impacts rather than competitive sense.
The aforementioned evidence reveals that, competitive sense in children basically harms their learning methods by neglecting the real means of learning, on the other hand cooperative sense come up with better solution that children learn essential cooperative social skills which they need in the future. Thus, in my opinion, cooperative sense in children should be encouraged more rather than the sense of competition.
Mochtar, you are short by one paragraph / opinion in this essay. You presented a qualified introduction, then presented an acceptable opposing point of view from your own. those fall within the expected parameters of the format. However, you immediately went into a discussion of your opinion instead of presenting the general opinion that you support first. Your opinion should have only been used to strengthen the opinion that you support.
In this case, you are missing that paragraph. However, you might still have gotten a good score on this essay because your line of reasoning is acceptable. Although, your conclusion seems to be presenting some additional discussion that should have been considered a separate paragraph in support of your opinion rather than a conclusion. So there will be points deducted because of that in an actual test.
