Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause and 1 solution

Please help me to correct this IELTS essay. Thank in advance.

More and more people are relying on the private car as their major means of transportation. Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution.

Accompanying with the continuous development of technology are the surprising advancements in the way people commute. Albeit the appearances of new, more modern and comfortable of high speed trains, huge Jumbo Jets have contributed significantly to the increasing diversity of transportation, there still are a large number of people who choose private cars as their main vehicle. As a result, our society is threatened by some negative impacts of this decision.

First and foremost, traffic jam is a ubiquitous problem, not only in developing cities where the infrastructure is sub-standard, but also in highly modern cities, such as New York or London. The excessive growth of population, in addition to the stagnant investment on enhancement of roads and highways system, is the main reason why traffic jam's situation is currently so scary and horrible. If everyone persists to drive, this circumstance will be even worse.

Additionally, driving a car might become more burdensome than ever, peculiarly in this time when petroleum price is racing up day by day. World warfare, unrests in the Middle East, natural disasters or so on are responsible for this critical emergence. Simultaneously, economy instability is also destroying our income and rendering real inflation, making us lose even more wages and revenue.

To alleviate the consequences provoked by overwhelming driving, the most obvious solutions are to upgrade the public transportation system, and to encourage our people to give up their cars. Congestion will be fundamentally addressed and the expenses of travelling will be dramatically reduced. Alternatively, moving to places near working offices, so that we can walk or ride a bike is also an effective method.

In a nutshell, if too many cars are exploited, our society will face plenty obstacles. The necessary to solve them properly is always pivotal.

Wow, your vocabulary is amazing. And the essay is great. :D
Good luck if you're taking the ILTES!

there still areis a large number of people

investment onin enhancement of roads and highways system

making us lose even more wages and revenue. -- I don't think it's so good to use this here. You don't lose a wage. Your wage can be however lowered.

(wages[finan.] = money that is paid or received for work or services, as by the hour, day, or week.)

and to encourage our people to give up their cars.


Hm, while this sounds really good, I don't know if it is actually possible. Wherever there is a well-structured transportation system I feel like travel expenses are bigger. And it's not a bad thing. That is key to keep things working properly.

Dear Ana, thank you for your feedback. I will make it better by taking your advises.

Accompanying with the continuous development of technology are the surprising advancements in the way people commute. ----Do not write "accompanying with." To accompany means to "got with" so it is awkward to write with in this situation.

As a result, our society is threatened by some negative impacts of this decision, and ______________________ (Right here, I think you should give the main idea you are sharing with the essay. Then, end the first paragraph.)

First and foremost, traffic jams represent is a ubiquitous problem, not only in ...

No apostrophe:... the main reason why traffic jams are currently so scary and horrible. If everyone persists in driving, this circumstance will be even worse.

:-)