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IELTS essay : criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free


colin 23 / 48 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #1
Research suggests that majority of criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free, what do you think of this case? What to be done to solve this problem?

With the criminal rate surging, some people argue that the hardened criminals violate laws simply for offences' criminal tendency. They even suggest that these culprits should be punished by capital punishment. From my perspective, however, reverting to crime is rooted in several reasons, including the proliferation of mistreatment in cells, crime's trauma and criminals being dis-socialized. To cope with the problems, lenient measures should be adopted by authorities.

Firstly, the contributing factor is ill-treat. The number of inmates suffered from the cruel punishment has on the rise. Convicts abused may disobey impulsively the law when they are out of prisons. Moreover, inmates' trauma is blamed for the raising rate of repeated offenders. Convicts lived in the astonishingly harsh condition would more likely to resent society, thereby breaking the law once again, with no regard for the moral code. The repeated crime is also influenced by perpetrators' isolated life. Inmates being imprisoned for years are probably unable to integrate into a community because they are concerned about the society's discrimination.

The fundamental solution to reduce the number of hardened criminals would be to enhance surveillance systems in jails, in order that convicts' fight could be under control. In addition, the corruption, bribery and abuses of prisoners should be prevented, which can greatly better inmates' life condition. Meanwhile, authorities should educate the prisoners about how to be a law-abiding-citizens and provide them with employment opportunities. Most importantly, while the existence of discrimination, the authorities should encourage local companies to offer jobs to first-time offenders.

In conclusion, the reason for the issue of the repeated crime is diverse. Technically, only through either careful process or lenient policy could we decrease the incidence of the repeated crime and improve security of the society.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 14, 2012   #2
You can write well... However, I feel you need to improve the alignment of your introduction with the prompt;

Research suggests that majority of criminal who send to prison would commit crimes when set free, what do you think of this case?

--------------- what do you think? do you think this is true? or not?
You say,

From my perspective, however, reverting to crime is rooted in several reasons, including the proliferation of mistreatment in cells, crime's trauma and criminals being dis-socialized.

This implies that you too think they revert back to criminal activities when they are set free, but it sounds vague. Why not state that more clearly? It is important to align your writing with the prompt.

However, you display excellent writing skills : )
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 14, 2012   #3
They even suggest that these culprits should be punished by capital punishment.

They even suggest that these criminals should be dealt with the capital punishment

You have good writing skills but there is an issue with clarity. There are some parts I don not understand.
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #4
Hai...
I like your range of vocabulay...keep it up...

Reduce the size of introduction. Address the question, give your opinion.your introduction is like a fullstrength para..

Tessy
hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Dec 14, 2012   #5
I like your range of vocabulay...keep it up..
OP colin 23 / 48 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #6
Thanks for all your help. That have been helpful.

But, could anyone kindly show me how to write a fine introduction?
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #7
hai...

I am not so brillient in writting introductions, but i will tell you how i am writing my introduction..

This question is related to crime and ex. Criminals..

I will address the question

Crime rates are surging day by day.

It is true that ex-prisoners are engaged more in crimes.
( if you got an opinion question, you can write your clear opinion here, agree, disagree...)

In this essay, i will discuss the reasons behind it and some solutions to tackle it.

Three or four sentences..that much only needed.

Give the reader a clear hind what you are going to write in the following para...
I fell it is not needed any explanations in the introduction.

This is the common way of writing introduction. As you have a wide range
of vocabulary you can you it here. You nees to read other essays in this forum as much as possible. if you leave your mail i.d i will give you some more information

Tessy
olosh_ami 1 / 2  
Dec 14, 2012   #8
Hi,
All of the above comments have dissected your writing. Your vocabulary is very rich, no doubt about that. But If you are writing this for IELTS, you need to be more elaborate, sometimes even circumlocutory in your writings.

And for writing introduction, before giving your own opinion, write 1 or 2 lines about each perspective. Like here you mentioned the perspective of those who are supporting capital punishment and then went on to your perception, you might put 1 or 2 lines about those who are still against capital punishment, before putting your idea.

Olosh
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #9
hai...
I like the funney comment of olosh_ami.

If you are able to write 350words or 400 words in 40 miniutes under exam conditions you can carry on with laborate introductions. I shared the advices i read in one another famous ielts site which is run by experts..

Anyway, i told you my perseption about introduction and remember that body para is covering more marks.

Tessy..
OP colin 23 / 48 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #10
Great! I really appreciate your comments.

According your suggestion, I revised my introduction as below.

Nowadays, there are many culprits who break laws over and over again. It is reality that the incidence of repeat crime are growing. I believe that perpetrators reverted to crime is rooted in several reasons, including the proliferation of mistreatment in cells, crime's trauma and criminals being dis-socialized. To cope with the problems, from my perspective, lenient measures should be adopted by authorities.

Does anyone feel this version better? Is there any effort we can put to make the introduction even better?
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 14, 2012   #11
Does anyone feel this version better? Is there any effort we can put to make the introduction even better?

It's good... I'm the first person who commented on your introduction saying that it doesn't align much with the prompt. But when I read the prompt again, I understood that this prompt is somewhat a tough one that you cannot straight a way express an opinion. It deviates from the general IELTS topic pattern. So I now feel my earlier comment is not so valid in this scenario.

Anyway, you display excellent writing skills and this task would no way be a challenge for you. I suggest you to a few more topics and post your essays here. We would give our comments for them. : )
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #12
hai...

Good introduction..

In my opinion.This much only needed...

Anyway very good. keep it up

Tessy...
joythblessy 86 / 272 15  
Dec 14, 2012   #13
hai ....

this is two questions for you..

i took it from IELTS Blog..

IELTS test in Spain - September 2012 (Academic Module

Some animal species such as dinosaurs and dodos become extinct because of natural processes. So, it is not necessary to try and prevent this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

IELTS test in Kerala, India - September 2012 (Academic Module)
Writing task 2 (an essay)

Private companies that support and carry out scientific research are spending more than governments these days. Do the advantages of this development outweigh its disadvantages? Explain and give your reasons.

Tessy..
olosh_ami 1 / 2  
Dec 14, 2012   #14
Sorry Guyz if you have found my comment funny and if it contradicts the opinions of the experts. Well, 350 words is easily doable (you need to hit around 500 in 30 min in GRE). I have just shared what I did in my exam and it brought me 8 out of 9.

Anyways, good luck with your approach...

Olosh
Prafull 1 / 5  
Dec 15, 2012   #15
Intro can be condensed for a crisp start


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