It would be great if I could get some feedback on this essay in the context of the old SAT test. I really want to improve on creating relevance to my thesis within my body paragraphs, and linking support back to my main idea. I also want to know how to make my conclusion and intro stronger, and possibly what score range this essay would be in (1-12). Thank you!
Prompt: Are originality and creativity necessary for success?
Everyone aims to be successful, whether it means amassing wealth or gaining widespread fame. What people often do not know are the elements of success. Although here are many circumstances at play, the two requirements in order to achieve success are originality and creativity.
In order to be successful, we must differentiate ourselves; originality and creativity allow us to do so. The iconic artist Pablo Picasso, pioneer in abstract art and co-founder of cubism, exemplifies these two characteristics. Any Picasso work is recognizable with minimal artistic background. Yet Picasso did not inherit his distinctive style at birth; in fact, many of his earlier pieces could easily be mistaken for a more traditionalist piece. What led to his fame were not the detailed, life-like portraits he began with, but the original, wilder art he later invented. Through creating his own original style, Picasso has distinguished his career and achieved artistic accolade even after his death.
Originality and creativity also foster innovation, an important catalyst of success. Innovation allows advancement, and in order to be successful we must advance beyond what we have. This is most commonly seen in the field of technology. Twenty years ago, the world of digital computing was revolutionized by a college dropout named Steve Jobs. Having attended a small institution and not completing school, few people could predict that Jobs would later own one of the biggest companies in the computing industry. What allowed him to create the popular Apple computer was not is technical skill, but his artistic creativity. Jobs took meticulous care in all the aesthetic details of his computer, making it a work of digital art in addition to a functional machine. By applying his creativity and originality to his prior knowledge, Jobs introduced personal technology to an era of modern design.
While having creativity and being original is no guarantee to a successful life, it is the keystone to developing one. In conjunction, these two traits foster individualism and revolutionary ideas, which are important towards achieving our goals. By pushing our creative boundaries and becoming what has not existed before, we align ourselves on the road to success.
I would like to help you with your essay. There is a slight error in the beginning. I would also recommend being careful about your word choice. Instead of using at play to define circumstances, you could state: "Although there are many circumstances that determine success, ... "
There is an incredible statement at the beginning of the second paragraph. Well done! A slight error in this paragraph is not placing a comma after "Yet". Also, delete the comma after detailed. Great example!
There is a slight error in the third paragraph. It should read: "...Apple computer was not his technical skill..." I am going to suggest ending the paragraph with, "...introduced a modern design to technology that transformed the era. " I changed the ending to reflect that Steve Jobs made technology more modern. I hope this is what you were trying to convey.
The last paragraph I think you should change In conjunction to "Furthermore".
There are very few errors in this essay. I'm not sure what score it will receive but it was well written.
