Hi everyone. Please give me feedback, thank you
Question: Computers should never have been invented
To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?
World has changed speedily from manual era to digital era. Most of people across the globe use computer in daily activities because computers make work easier. However, in this era, private zone is very difficult to find because hacker can access imperative data freely, although security of imperative data is strict. It is why there is a view about computers should have never been discovered. Nevertheless, I contrast with this view. I argue that, computers can make huge change in the world, particularly it will make work efficient.
To begin with, computers have made humans think about everything can be solved simply. Before computer was found, all administration matters were written by hand in the manual book or the papers. It was hard way to recall past data, someone must search one by one to find the data which was wanted and it spent more time. On the other hand, the computer make work more efficient. The past data can be recalled with computer search engine by less than 1 minute. Nowadays, all instance use computer to help their administration matters. Taking hospital as example, the administration staff of hospital writes personal identity of patient in computer. This way makes easy the doctor to know the record of patient. The bank and some public services also use computer to make queue-system.
Secondly, computer make the world to be instant. Sending data can be delivered by computer with email system in short time. Moreover, reducing cost and efficiency of time are direct effect from computer.
In conclusion, I cannot imagine if the computers has never been invented. Maybe, all instance like hospital, bank spent more time only in administration matters. Even though, the service is more important than spending more time in administration matters. The computer has changed the world, it has introduced to the world about the simple ways of work, and make everything to be instant.
Aulia, for an 'agree or disagree' question like this, it is good that you've come up with the idea of choosing one particular side only. Completely agree or disagree is highly recommended rather than put your position in the middle of an issue in which this often leads to mistake. However, the thing that is necessary to be put in 'agree or disagree' question is concession. It indicates that your argument has a limitation and doesn't spread off the topic.
With regards to the development of your essay, another thing that you need to consider is the balance between each paragraph, especially body paragraph 1 (2nd paragraph) and body paragraph 2 (3rd paragraph). Your first body paragraph consists of more sentences and words rather than second body paragraph. This is also the major part of scoring system. My suggestion is that you can use this type of paragraph building.
Body paragraph 1
1. Topic Sentence
2. Explanation
3. Example
4. Concession
Body paragraph 2
1. Topic Sentence
2. Explanation
3. Example
4. Concession
Therefore, what you need to do before writing an essay is planning. By strictly following the organization of the paragraph, it will balance the idea between the first and the second body paragraph. Thus, your essay score will be enhanced, particularly in coherence and cohesion part. I hope you can follow through my suggestion. Good Luck for the next practice :)
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