Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, why that student should be


hemlata 1 / -  
Sep 7, 2010   #1
Having a B.E Comp degree with versatile experience of 5 years. As after completeing my degree I was a computer teacher in a institute simutaneously I was taking the knowledge of computer hardware, then I started developing interest in technical field, later on I upgraded myself to higher technology I started dealing with servers & did the SUN Solaris certification and cleared the same with good marks . After working in the technical field for longer period & dealing with many senior persons & & higher authorities, I realized that if being a married female I can work in a men oriented field & take the challenging jobs/task & complete it with in the time frame then why not I also should be at a high position or at senior position if I have the caliber then why should I not explore myself. All my dreams & hardwork will be completed through a good B school & I know it is none other than ISB. As ISB dont look only for the candidates who are book worm but the candidates who can prove themself & who has positive attitude & confidence in themself.
muroslav 2 / 5  
Sep 7, 2010   #2
Hi. There are many run-on sentences in your essay. Try to use shorter sentences and watch your punctuation. Now its very hard to follow your thoughts.

Also, do not use "&" as a substitute for "and"- this is not appropriate in essays.
PurpleBook 1 / 9  
Sep 7, 2010   #3
I agree with muroslav. I'll help to edit your writing, hopefully I have not misinterpreted what you meant so as to change the meaning..

HavingI have a B.E Comp degree with versatile experience of 5 years. As after completeingcompleting my degree, I wasbecame a computer teacher in a institute, simutaneously I was takinggained the knowledge of computer hardware,.then I started developing interest in technical field,. later on I upgraded myself to higher technology Iand started dealing with servers & did, I achieved the SUN Solaris certification and cleared the same with, clearing it with good marksresults .

After working in the technical field for longer period ...

This portion is way too long and confusing. You should break it down into shorter sentences. Maybe something like this:
After working in the technical field for a long period of time, and having dealt with many senior person of high authorities, I realized that I can challenge myself to greater heights. If I, a married woman, can work in a men-oriented field; taking up the challenging tasks and completing them within the requested timeframe, then I should be able to accomplish even more. I should try to get a higher position since I have the caliber.

All my dreamswill be achieved&and my hardwork will be completed through a good B school & I know it is none other than ISB. As ISB dont look only for the candidates who are book worm but the candidates who can prove themself & who has positive attitude & confidence in themself. My hardwork would be worthwhile if only I get admitted to ISB.

Hope it helped :]
All the best to you
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 8, 2010   #4
Let's look at this first sentence:
Having a B.E Comp degree with versatile experience of 5 years.
It should begin with "I"... I have a ...

Check spelling:
completeingcompleting

my degree I was a computer teacher in a institute, and simultaneously I was taking the knowledge of
studying computer hardware. Then, I s tarted developing interest in technical fields. later on I upgraded myself to higher technology and started dealing with ...

Do not use &. write the word "and" instead.

Okay, good luck with this! Your English still needs a lot of work. Do you have questions about any corrections made in this thread? I think you should read sentences aloud 10 times each to practice and develop good habits.


Home / Writing Feedback / If we were to admit one more student to the class of 2012, why that student should be
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳