TOEFL: "I cannot wait back to my job"- social life vs job happiness

(I really appreciate it if someone can review this essay)

Despite some social celebrities insist that your career does not mean everything and "a full well-rounded life"is more important, it is undeniable even for them that the career does mean a lot and "the full well-rounded life" also centers around work. Therefore, for this topic, I believe that a person's job has more effect on his or her happiness.

For one thing, most people spend more time on their jobs than their social life. It is known to all that we have to work at least 40 hours every week, and that if we are lucky enough we can hang out with friends a couple of hours on weekends. The difference is obvious, and even those so-called party animals can not enjoy parties 8 hours per day, 5 days per week. It is all mathematics. The majority of lifetime where we attempt to pursue happiness is spent in our workplace rather than in friends' apartments and clubs.

For another thing, the situation of our career can influence our social life both positively and negatively. However, the opposite is another story. Here is an example. My friend Jill, who used to be overwhelmed by the laborious paper work and unsatisfied with the unstable income as a translator, always complained that she did not want back to her work when we had vacations together. It seemed that the bad mood from her work had been brought to her social life. Last year, she finally changed her job and became an interpreter for an international cooperation where the salary is considerable and the position is exactly what she had been dreaming about, even though she has to leave us friends and work abroad. Surprisingly, when she came home this winter, she was optimistic and delightful, and kept saying "I cannot wait back to my job". Apparently, besides the good salary and social status, an ideal job would give us real happiness.

This is too long dear... So it disturbs you flow, clarity of your ideas and the presentation too. Start with a simple, interesting and a catchy sentence;

Some celebrities claim that career does mean nothing for a happy life and it is the well roundness that matters.


Avoid phrases that don't add any value to your sentence. State your opinion straight and clear :)

This is too long as Dumi has mentioned. Try to keep things simple and short.


People tend to spend more time on their jobs now than their social life.

Hmmm you need to work on your presentation. I can see a lot of good points which are not presented properly. Otherwise your essay would have been a very good one.

Also .... you need to have a concluding para at the end. There you need to sum up everything you said above and reinstate your opinion. It is missing here.

I strongly recommend you to stick to the four para essay;
Introduction
1st Body Para
2nd Body Para
Conclusion
This is the preferred structure for this task :)