IELTS Writing task 1 - Interpreting survey data on Adult (Higher/Executive) Education.

Greetings,
Firstly, I would like to apologize if I may have breached any of the forum rules. I am new to the forum and would be glad to have the members guide me if my post(s) are subject to anything that this website considers prohibited/wrong.

I am seeking assistance from the members of this forum to help me score good on the Writing section of the IELTS exam. Below is my first writing task (my first post too). I spent close to 25 minutes to complete it. Kindly highlight necessary corrections and rate the write up on the following grounds : Grammar, Subject-verb agreement, punctuations, Data relevance and unnecessary/awkward sentences. Do feel free to provide you valuable tips.

Q :The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.

Write a report for a university lecturer, describing the information shown below.
You should write at least 150 words.

My take : The chart presented above provides an overview of the outcome of a survey that was conducted to find out "why adults decide to study" and "how they believe the cost towards the education should be shared".

Firstly, the bar-chart interestingly points out the reasons given by adults who decide to study. The result for this part of the survey is given in terms of percentage, which effectively helps in understanding the preferences of the adults who to decide to study further. About 40% of the participants indicated that they opted to study due to "Interest in the subject", 38% of the participants wanted "to gain qualification".

The least number of polls received were 9% and 12%, against "Socialising & meeting people" and "to change jobs". Other mediocre reasons provided by the participants were "To improve their chances of being promoted", "Essential for their current job" and "Enthusiasm to learn/study".

The second part of the survey result is conveyed through a pie-chart that diagrammatically represents the preferences of the people, as to how they think the funding towards education should be shared. The results indicate that people who decide to study further preferred 40% of the funding done by themselves, 35% of the costs borne by the employer and 25% of funding from government aid under taxpayer schemes/benefits.

In conclusion, the survey indicates that adult education can be a means of self satiety based on the result of the bar-chart along with part-funding support from employers and government.

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Hi,
you should not state exactly number like 38, instead, you should write much less than 40 percent, and 20 percent is equal to one of fifth and so on.

Good luck

Hi,
Thank you for your feedback. I will take your advice and will definitely try to improve the structure, idea chronology/organizing points and the over content of the writing task.

Feel free to suggest any corrections if you could. Also, I was wondering how much you would rate my write-up on a scale of 0 - 10. ("0" being the worst and "10" being the best) This is only to observe my trending.

TY.

Well, I am not so great in evaluating one's writing :( Any way you can get some help from this link;
ielts.org/PDF/Writing%20Band%20descriptors%20Task%201.pdf

Pay attention to the structure Pahan proposed. Also adopt a more formal tone for your writing as this is about testing your report writing skills. For example;


.... you can avoid phrases like "firstly, secondly etc." They are useful for the Writing Task 2 which is more on essay writing and you need to continue a smooth flow.