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ielts writing task - Causes of obesity and worsening people's health and fitness


kikiliyik 12 / 35 2  
Apr 4, 2014   #1
Dear all, thank you for all suggestions that you gave to me. Now, for several times, i beg you to help me with your helpful advice for my writing.

best regards.
Aji
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Today, selling of slim medicine is increasing. This shows that the number of fat people is rising. By seeing this fact, we know that their health is also getting worse. This is because, today, fat causes many diseases-cholesterol and heart attack. Maybe, fewer exercise and high stress can be the main factors of this problem. The most important thing is the solution has to be found to overcome this problem.

Based on the causes of health decreasing above-less exercise and big stress, people have to spend their time everyday about 15 minute to take some exercises. Because, exercise can make the blood flows freely and cracks the fat in our body. Reducing stress is also essential. Even though we live in industrial era that is full of deadline, sometimes as workers, we have to entertain ourselves, in once a week. Joy of life is more important than earning money, because the purpose of getting money is to make our life happy.

In Indonesia, for example, many employees do exercise and entertain themselves in a simple way. For instance, after work, usually they do futsal with their colleague from the same department to refresh their body. From this activity, people can be healthy and fun in the same time. Many companies that have a gathering sport programs in Indonesia, proves that the health quality of their employees is increasing.

For the last, doing exercise is never work successfully if persons stand with bad habit in eating fat food. Avoiding junk food and fat food are so effective to reduce the fat in our body. Fat burning system in our body has limited capacity, so the system will be error if we add much fat every day. Adding vegetables and fruit in our menu is very suggested to every single person that want to be healthy.

Overall, I strongly recommend three solutions above-exercise, entertainment, and reducing fat food, because the solutions have been proven work in Indonesia. But, the solutions are never work if we do those in unbalance portion.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 4, 2014   #2
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

This intro shows complexity.
Possible solution: I always highlight keywords from the prompt. Then simply paraphrase them. Have a look at the prompt with the boldface types:

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Let me give a try:
A general lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness leads health problems. One example is obesity. I would argue life-changing decisions can be the main factors. I too believe the best measures can be taken to tackle this problem.

Joy of life is more important than is earning money,(no comma here) because the purpose of getting money is to make our life happy

Many Companies that encourage their employees to get involved in have a gathering sports programs in Indonesia, result a significant increase in health and safety at work proves that the health quality of their employees is increasing.

Avoiding junk food and fat foodsareis

Avoidingis a subject as gerund. Then word is is a predicate

Hope this helps :D
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 4, 2014   #3
Today, selling of slim medicine is increasing.

.... Since this is your hook statement, you need to improve its presentation a little bit;
Today, there are various body slimming medicinal products that you find in the market.

By seeing this fact, we know that their health is also getting worse.

This sounds like a conclusion, and I think this is not the right place for it. I like if you removed this line from the introduction. Now what you need to do is to align your hook with the prompt. So connect the hook with the background of the issue.
OP kikiliyik 12 / 35 2  
Apr 5, 2014   #4
thank you very much. Can you give me suggestion in writing?- I mean, in general field, because i think i lack in sense of writing to attract the reader emotion. Thanks a million
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 5, 2014   #5
My best advice for you is that do not worry about how well your writing would impress the reader. Keep writing essays on different topics and post them here. We will help you meet the task requirements and also comment as to how we feel about your writing. Take those feedbacks positively, they are not aimed at criticizing your writing or even they do not mean that your writing is bad. Our suggestions are aimed at perfecting your writing. You write quite well as it is, but you have a great potential to improve more and more :D


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