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'when the world was created, music was born'; Traditional vs International music


myth 1 / 1  
Jan 18, 2014   #1
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Solution

when the world was created, music was born. Undeniable that music has positive effect on people's life. Some people think that the traditional music is representation culture of a country so, it is more important than the international music while others claim that it is international integration. My essay will analyze both sides of this issue.

Firstly, it is believed that traditional music rise the love of the people in a country. No sooner was the children born, they sink thanks to lullabies of their mother developing the children in characteristic. Moreover, when the children listen to conventional music, they feel sympathy for a peace, for a kind like the rhythms in the lullabies. In the other hand, the traditional music is influenced by culture and convention of individual nation so, it is the one of the most important in travel. The government can promote the image of nation through the traditional melodies and earn a huge profits.

Besides, international music also has a good impact on development all over the world in last decades. Music is a general language in the world, as a result, the gap like color of skins, racial discrimination is eliminated and the safe of global can be protect because of international music. For example: When people listen to songs such as Heal the world, We are the world or You are not alone sung by the King of popular music - Michael Jackson, they feel that there is no boundary among us who come from different countries. Equally important, the children approach to the multinational music, they can receive knowledge and more friends, who have the same favorite.

In conclusion, each idea has its own value. Whereas the traditional music increase characteristic of children, develop vision and economy of nations, the international music heals the world, connects closely the people in the world, and keeps global in safe.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jan 18, 2014   #2
Hi myth,

I think you should add more content for

Why do we need music?

It is because the prompt asks you to answer the two questions, so I think you should clearly compose the bodies of the paragraph into:

- One paragraph which explains the reason

Why do we need music?

- One paragraph which compares

the traditional music of a country more important than the International music

then show a preference for this.

Thanks.
OP myth 1 / 1  
Jan 18, 2014   #3
Oh, i'm not realize that
Thanks to your help :)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 18, 2014   #4
I understand you are new to the forum and here are some instructions for you to follow in your future threads. You should have a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread. Also, you should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this type of essays. (These things have been already attended by us for this thread). It is always good if you include the purpose (in this case I guess it is IETLS) in the title itself so that others can provide you with more task related comments.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 19, 2014   #5
Well, your introduction is the place in your essay where you should introduce your topic to the reader. You've done it only partly here. Your prompt speaks about why we listen to music and there is nothing mentioned in this introduction about that. Also, your final sentence which is "My essay will analyze both sides of this issue" is not really helping you to impress your reader. It is better you conclude your introduction stating your opinion clearly.


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