HI apieceof! I'm not very good at English so I can't help you very much. Your essay is very good!!
If we worked for others companies through our full lives, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward during our lifetime.
I think this sentence would be:
If we worked for others companies through our full lives, we could never fulfill and demonstrate what we are looking forward
to during our lifetime.
Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.
Take my close friend-Emma-for example- she
has worked in the well-known hi-tech corporation for several years and she never felt satisfied with the company.
selling out all her valuable property such as luxurious house and car for accumulating more capital
selling out all her valuable property such as
her luxurious house and car for accumulating more capital
In your first paragraph, I think you should give a few words to explain why you prefer going for your own business to working for the company.
In your second paragraph, you have focused too much on the example (Emma). I think you should add more reasons, supporting ideas in this paragraph.
Your conclusion paragraph doesn't state the main idea in the third paragraph clearly.
This is a topic from TOEFL, right? I'm taking the TOEFL iBT on July 23rd.
Good luck with your study and your life :D