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What's in it for the World - Persuasive Essay


SWNP 1 / -  
Sep 25, 2010   #1
So school has started again and I have to write my first English essay worth 5% of my final grade 12 English course.

The requirements are as follows:

Using your chosen quotation, you will write a personal essay that examines how the theme expressed in the quotation relates to a larger, contemporary social oncern. In other words, you are to write a personal esay that explores the relevancy of the quotation to our world today. I am supposed to persuade the audience to my point of view on the quotation.

Below is a portion of my essay written so far. Thi is a part of my introduction sentense. I still have to outline the arguments in my introduction. This is due Monday Sept. 27, so if you could get back to me as soon as possible that would be greate and much appreciated. Please give me as much feedback as possible.

Our world is unusual, cruel, harsh, and if you fail well to bad because this world is looking for brilliant people who can bring success. It is discouraging in a competitive world of constant technological change when the only way you seem to succeed is by failing. Succeeding by failing happens in an ironic sense. You try your best at a task that you feel passionate about and you end up failing, so you move on to another subject of interest. Did you catch that key phrase "you move on." It is ironic that one will succeed on his failure. You do succeed, but you do not succeed. You move on, but fail to grasp that concept and knowledge that is required to successfully succeed. Well this does not cut it for our world because our word wants to succeed. Our world wants success stories and people who can rise to the top.

A quote by author Ralph Waldo Emerson states "our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." In a highly competitive world where people do not want failure it is clear that the success of our world may just be miss guided. What if human glory is not in being successful all the time, but getting back up from failing? Human glory is not in continued success; human glory is in conquering failure.

The bolded sentence is my thesis statement and my quotation is quoted in the second paragraph.

Thanks so much,

Scott
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 29, 2010   #2
This is due Monday Sept. 27

Hey Scott, I'm sorry I did not get to help sooner!

I would suggest not using the 2nd person singular, i.e. you, because it is coming across as slightly awkward

I guess I agree. Also, some people find it to be... what is the word... preachy or presumptuous or something.

Also, it creates a problem here:
Did you catch that key phrase "you move on."-- need a question mark, but it will be awkward.

"our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."--- oh, good one! That reminds me of the Japanese expression: (I don't know the correct way to write the words) Na na korobi yaoki jinsei wa korei kara da.

You did a good job writing about the quote, but I think you need more specific examples.
I hope you got a good grade! :-)


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