IELTS - making money would never replace a teddy bear for a child

G'day mates, help me please to estimate my work below

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, which is important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Recently there have been a lot of arguments about engaging children in variable types of paid work. Some people are considered this is not allowable while others have profoundly converse conviction. This challenge is assumed to be quite controversial, hence it must be considered a lot more deeply.

Nowadays regular families foster their children under hard pressure of diverse bunch of conditions, which the real world dictates every day, inclining people to be a lot more like a business person. People have to be aware financially, they have to do much financial work during routine everyday's life as paying bills, buying various stuff, paying for service. This tendency leads to parents trying to bring up their child to be familiar with financial routine and to have ability to make and evaluate money. In other words they teach their children to work for repayment from childhood.

On the one side this behavior could lead to wealthy and financial consistency in adulthood, on the other side it could deprive the most important and joyful time of the life that significantly determines social behavior in the future life.

To my personal opinion, making money would never replace a teddy bear for child, who at that time so far believes in fairy-tales and imagine kingdoms, dragons and knights, princesses and mysterious creatures. However parents should not forget about current tendencies, furthermore they should try to give their child necessary financial skills during childhood, after all when a child express an interest and desire to earn money by his own, this time would be like an kick-off to allow and help him to start and experience repayment work.

=> you've got to show your opinion in your introduction (agree or disagree), it's very necessary.


I think you have good ideas in this topic but I suggest that you should separate your reasons into different paragraphs. Therefore, you will clarify your preference better. :) I will give you the form of the writing so you can improve it next time.

Introduction: present your preference (agree or not)
=> after this paragraph, you can point out about 2 or 3 reasons to support your idea. each reason belongs to 1 paragraph. Each paragraph, you have to give details and example.

=> Conclusion: summarize your idea in other words ^^ Good luck! :-bd
Cheers,
Jang.

There are different views about engaging children in paid work.


Some people consider this should not be allowed while others support this idea.


... this sounds irrelevant and hence does not add any value to your essay. Say it simply;
This is a controversial issue and therefore it needs a deep understanding.

Many thanks for helpful corrections.

Follow the four para structure; Introduction + 2 body paras + conclusion
You at least need four paras if you aim at a good score... You find loads of good essays on similar topics here. Read them to get the knack of this structure and pick up good points :)

Even though it's not my essay I have learned a lot from you advice.