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Toefl; What I would change in my hometown? Improve transportation system



m_razaviThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Marzieh Razavi
   
Oct 3, 2009, 06:09am   #1
I was wondering if you could revise my essay and give me feedback :
if you could change one important thing about your hometown,what would you change? use reasons and specific example to support your reason
Our home town is really crowded. We spent a considerable amount of time in cars because of the traffic jams that exist every morning or night. If I could change one thing in my hometown, I would improve the public transportation system. If public transportation system can provide services properly, people can spend their time doing useful things rather than being stuck in traffic. A good transportation system can also solve the pollution problem in hometown. By using public transportation vehicles, people can go from one place to another without having the stress or getting tired of driving.
Every morning, a lot of people take their cars and get ready to go to work. Because the public transportation devices like buses do not arrive at stations on time, a lot of people prefer to use their own vehicle rather than wait in bus station for too long. If transportation vehicles arrive at stations on time, great amount of people will use them. This will cause less people to use their own cars and it will help to solve the traffic problem.
If the transportation system cannot give proper services, people are forced to use their own vehicles in order to go shopping or do other works. This causes town to be polluted and can harm a lot of people. With advanced transportation system, people are more willing to use the bus or underground rather than driving their car and this causes the air to be less polluted.
Using public transportation vehicles make life more convenient. You do not need to be nervous or careful when you use bus or taxi since you are not the driver. You can also use your time reading newspaper or book when using transportation vehicles while you cannot do anything other than driving when using your own car.
All things considered, I think an improved public transportation system can help people to have a more convenient life and they can use their time much better.



EF_SeanThreads: 6
Posts: 3,666
Author: Sean, EssayForum.com
[Moderator]   
Oct 3, 2009, 07:46am   #2
This seems like the sort of thing you want to do in a TOEFL essay. A few minor grammatical mistakes, but nothing serious. A few fixes to get you started:

"If transportation vehicles arrive at stations on time, a great amount of people will use them."

"This will cause fewer people to use their own cars"

"You can also use your time to read a newspaper or book "


m_razaviThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Marzieh Razavi
   
Oct 3, 2009, 09:15am   #3
Thank you for your feedback :-)


tiantianwenziThreads: 3
Posts: 11
Author: fengji
   
Oct 6, 2009, 07:32am   #4
Hi, i am preparing for toefl. I think you can try to use more transitional world. Just a suggestion.




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