Unanswered [5] / Featured [1] / URGENT [0]   

    help     or  

Essay Forum / Writing Feedback /      

Why I want to be a nurse - please review my essay and help me



hjy8703Threads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Jin Hong
   
Jul 21, 2008, 07:05am   #1
Why I want to be a nurse

Choosing the career for my future was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. During school life, when many of my peers were already pursuing their goals and dreams, I was dedicated to missing as many classes as possible. This didn't change until I graduated from high school and decided to work instead of continuing with my education in college. I searched for any job which could pay for my car and allowance. With no clear goal in a career for my future at age 21, I finally started to panic.
I have always dreamed of a career which I would truly enjoy for the rest of my life and when I heard about a career in nursing from my stepmother, it grabbed my attention. I started to view nursing as a profession which would be a personally rewarding job in many aspects and also set me up for a successful career for my future. The most appealing part to me is that nursing is a respected profession which dedicates them in helping the sick and ill. I have envisioned myself in a rewarding career in service of people who are in need, and now that I have found it, I am willing to dedicate myself to it fully. My dedication comes not only from myself, but from my parents who have always been supportive of my decisions, who I do not want to let down.
Becoming a nurse is the first goal I have ever set in my life and it was not decided on lightly. I am ready to fully devote my time and freedom to achieve this goal not just for myself, but also to thank those who have been supportive and believed that I will take my life and do something with it.



EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Jul 21, 2008, 08:09am   #2
Good morning.

Here are my suggestions:

"Choosing the career of my future was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. During school life, when many of my peers were already pursuing their goals and dreams, I was dedicated to missing as many classes as possible. This did not change until I graduated from high school and decided to work instead of continuing with my education in college. I searched for any job which could pay for my car and allowance. With no clear goal in a career for my future at age 21, I finally started to panic.
I have always dreamed of a career which I would truly enjoy for the rest of my life and when I heard about a career in nursing from my stepmother, it grabbed my attention. I started to view nursing as a profession which would be a personally rewarding job in many aspects and also set me up for a successful career for my future. The most appealing part to me was that nursing is a respected profession which dedicates them Who? to help the sick and ill. I have envisioned myself in a rewarding career in service of people who are in need and now that I have found it I am willing to dedicate myself to it fully. My dedication comes not only from myself, but from my parents who have always been supportive of my decisions and who I do not want to let down.
Becoming a nurse is the first goal I have ever set in my life and it was not decided on lightly. I am ready to fully devote my time and freedom to achieve this goal not just for myself but also to thank those who have been supportive and believe that I will take my life and do something with it."

You've got a pretty good rough draft here. Stay away from using casual contractions such as "can't" and "won't" in academic writing; they are not formal enough and are inappropriate. Also, be careful of the over use and inappropriate use of commas.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


hjy8703Threads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Jin Hong
   
Jul 21, 2008, 09:19am   #3
thank you Gloria ^^ didn't expect to see a reply so soon =D

I only have 1 hour to turn this in, and came back to see that you replied! thanks again!


EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Jul 24, 2008, 08:02am   #4
You are very welcome! Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com




Essay Forum / Writing Feedback / Unanswered [this forum] / Featured / Similar

Similar discussions:


Random: succeed in IBM 000-M86 exam


This thread has been closed.

Home - Search - About Us - Faq - EF Contributors - Contact Us

Copyright © 2006-2014 EssayForum.com  Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS  EssayForum RSS