IELTS ; Various genre of music ; Traditional more important that modern

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I wrote this essay in 40 minutes in hand writing. I allocate some minutes to do preparation then do write. Unfortunately, the time is up before I correct my work. Therefore I type my hand writing and hope get beneficial advices from you all. Thank you

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Present a written argument or case to an educated reader eith no specialist knowledge of the following topic:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays ?

You should write at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
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Throughout the world music is parts of people live. Obviously, the essential of music is chosen as people's primary need, while the others noted as a complement. However, traditional and modern music may reverse their position in terms of importance for influencing people.

People need music to boost their mood. As spiritful music is used in the morning menus, mood boosting will be increased. As result, happiness surrounds people in the following hours. The power of music also makes world more colourful. The noisy of sound occurring everywhere also contribute to advertising field become interesting, for example. Imagining deaf people's live, without sound it seems to be empty. On the other hand, psychologist noted music is an effective way to express people idea, known as catharsis. Catharsis is not only helpful for ordinary people to widespread their stress but also become an effective medium for depression patients ass music included in the theraphy.

Not surprisingly, modern music is viewed has more importance than that of traditional one as such music lack of conservative values. Also, simplicity is common identify in such types. For example, to sing a modern song ritual and ethnical ornament is unnecessary. The simplicity also occured in the way of sing which not allow performers to the strict rules. However, the traditional one bring some beneficial point which I think cannot be defeated by the former mentioned. Traditional music include life's value of the local culture as their identity. It is useful also as a learning media to the next generation. For instance, as I am child my father sing a local song beside my bed every night in order to teach me about the politeness.

Having said that, people need music as an effort to raise positivity or curing method for psychological sufferer. Therefore, while various of music taking an importance eachself. I believe that if each of them is used as suitable as the purpose, either traditional or modern will be beneficial in the human life.

Various genre of music surrounds people lives. "are greatly involve in" I think this word is more appropriate for this sentence.

Various genreDifferent types of music surrounds people livescan be found in today's world.


Well, there is no such argument between people mentioned in your prompt;


Your prompt is asking you why people need music and whether you agree with the idea that traditional music is more important international music.

You have to see how the questions go on. This is not "both views", but two questions to answer.
Para 2: explain why people need music
Para 3: how much you agree/disagree with the statement "traditional music is more important than international ones."
These two paras should be closely aligned with


. This is the next task to do.


I feel this is Faulty Comparison (Visit this link: wps.pearsoncustom.com/pcp_longman_ez_2/32/8414/2154029.cw/index.html#topofquiz10)
Possible suggestion: traditional music has more essentials than does the modern music

Under simulation of exam condition, I wrote this essay. Then I type without any editing

You can make this sentence much more interesting had you presented it is in a simpler way. Also, it has grammar issues too... you really have to pay attention to clarity of your sentences. Otherwise there is no point trying to write more advance words. Just get rid of that tendency. Think simple and write simple. That is the only way you can aim at a good score.