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U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology?

youngkim9193Threads: 4 Posts: 19 Author: Hee Young Kim	Jan 7, 2010, 05:21pm #1
Thank you guys in advance for reading my essay! It has to be around 250 words, but I have 312 words. How can I cut down? or do you think 312 words are okay? ANY HARSH CRITICISM OR SENTENCE CORRECTIONS IS WELCOMED! Thank you :) College of Literature, Science, and the Arts (LSA): What led you to choose the area(s) of academic interest that you have listed in your application to the University of Michigan? If you are undecided, what areas are you most interested in, and why? As a people watcher, I love observing and analyzing. I observe when a group of people gather and interact with each other. I analyze why people talk and react in the way they do, using logic and my knowledge of human behavior. It is inevitable consequence of my curiosity in peoples' multifarious ways of behavior, perception, and emotion. This desire to understand... SEE BELOW

bardown13Threads: 2 Posts: 11 Author: Erik Von Markovik	Jan 7, 2010, 09:39pm #2
Good essay...very deep...a couple sentences dont sound right though, and here are the changes I would make... "As a people watcher, I love observing and analyzing. I observe when a group of people gather and interact with each other. I analyze why people talk and react in the way they do, using logic and my knowledge of human behavior. As a people watcher, I love observing and analyzing human interactions. I enjoy observing when a group of people gather and interact with each other. Moreover, I enjoy using my logic and knowledge of human behavior to analyze the mannerisms in which they talk and react.

agon123Threads: 1 Posts: 4 Author: Arnold O'Dowd	Jan 7, 2010, 09:54pm #3
I quickly looked over it. Looks pretty good. In the sentence: It is inevitable consequence of my curiosity in peoples' multifarious ways of behavior, perception, and emotion.................you need to put the word "an" between "is" and "inevitable" so it reads" It is an inevitable consequence

youngkim9193Threads: 4 Posts: 19 Author: Hee Young Kim	Jan 9, 2010, 01:53pm #4
Thank you bardown13 and agon123! anybody else? please?!

yangThreads: 2 Posts: 424 Author: Yang	Jan 9, 2010, 02:59pm #5
youngkim9193: something universal to heal peoples' people's the grammar looks good, syntax seems without huge flaw. Now, I think that you should reorganize your essay in a way that's more powerful so that it could leave the reader with something memorable. For instance, your story of your friend is misplaced. You start by talking very generically about your interest, then moved to passion, and although you state that you feeling helpless nourished your passion...it kind of feels out of place and not connecting with your interest. I think that your realization of your own helplessness face to a deep psychology problem should be your main point, and your interest could have grown from that. What if you started with your friend's story to "hit" the reader, then work your way to how your interest furthered from the realization of you being helpless? That way, you could incorporate your views on specific parts of psychology and show the admin that you know your stuff. As it is, the admin wonders: so that student simply "realized" his/her powerlessness and did nothing? You could say that as a result of you being powerless, you began to develop a passion/curiosity for psychology and realized that it goes along with what you were always interested in, which is to observe people and understand and blabla. I feel that this way, the reader has a clearer idea of where your passion comes from. Also, your comments on youngkim9193: By combining science and humanities together in psychology really comes from no where. Science? Humanities? where do you talk about these? unless you mention them before, you shouldn't add them in the conclusion simply to tell the reader how varied your interests are. Either explain it in your body paragraphs, or drop these unsupported statements. youngkim9193: Someday, I hope to be a privileged participant in regaining peoples' pursuit of happiness. Pursuit of happiness? this sounds like a big plan, but you don't actually talk about pursuit of happiness anywhere else. You mention how you want to cure people, but that's a long way from pursuit of happiness. Overall, it's a good story, but I think that restructuring it will make it have more impact. Also, try to avoid generic and unsupported statements simply for the sake of words or finishing the story.

youngkim9193Threads: 4 Posts: 19 Author: Hee Young Kim	Jan 11, 2010, 11:04pm #6
Thank you so much yang! Here is revised version. What do you think now? and anybody else please?! :) "You are the first person I am telling this," my friend said with a slightly trembling voice, breaking the silence. At that time I was sixteen years old with a naïve assumption that I could best help others if I have been through the same problems with them. Every time I had conversations with people, I would not only expose my painful memories but also exaggerate them to gain sympathy from them. It seemed like people had an easier time opening up me in this way. However, It did not take long ... SEE BELOW

yangThreads: 2 Posts: 424 Author: Yang	Jan 11, 2010, 11:44pm #7
youngkim9193: You are the first person I am telling this this to. youngkim9193: It it I'm confused about your time line here. You said that when you were 16, you had that night with your friend. you However, you also say that at THAT time, had this false philosophy. But right after, you say that it didn't take long to realize that it was false, since you had that night with your friend. So were you having the false philosophy at that night? or before, but that night made you realize that you were wrong? obviously, it's the second one, so I'd rephrase your first paragraph a bit. (don't change the first sentence, just straighten up the time thing) youngkim9193: passion passion of what? you're writing a whole new essay here, not the old one anymore. youngkim9193: I become to love I began to love youngkim9193: observing to observe...and to analyze youngkim9193: I become thirsty to learn more, something universal to heal peoples' hearts. I yearned to learn something universal... learn more here is vague and could be taken out, since you're immediately explaining it youngkim9193: Psychology, my intended major, is a perfect match for both my interest and passion. If you put "passion for psychology", you don't even need this sentence. youngkim9193: notice somebody's suffering and make him feel loved, welcomed, and worthy you want to make sure that the reader understand that's what the poem is about. Or else you'd have to explain why you made that analogy youngkim9193: someday I hope to be a privileged participant in regaining peoples' pursuit of happiness I hope to be someday unless pursuit of happiness means feeling loved, welcomed, and worthy, I don't get why it's here. If it for some reason makes sense in your head, I'll no longer bring this to notice. hmm...overall this is definitely a stronger essay, at least it's clearer and more understandable. Is this long enough? I thought that these essay have to be around 500 words, in which case a minimum of 350 at least is required in my humble opinion. If you need to add anything, I'd suggest talking more about you. In the sense that you talked plenty about your dreams/major, your friend, but not enough about the impact of the story on you. The only impact it had seems to be that you feel helpless. But isn't it still quite a long way from feeling helpless and trying to help? Why exactly did you get inspired?

youngkim9193Threads: 4 Posts: 19 Author: Hee Young Kim	Jan 12, 2010, 08:01pm #8
Thank you! yang Here is another revised version.. I hope the first paragraph flows better now. youngkim9193: By learning the causes and cures of mental distress and how to create positive change, someday I hope to be a privileged participant in regaining peoples' pursuit of happiness. Do you think it would be best to leave that sentence out? By saying "pursuit of happiness," I meant that I hope to help people who are going thorough depression or trauma and get them back on the right track... through counseling and stuff that I will figure out by studying psychology... and the essay is supposed to be around 250 words :) Thank you again! "You are the first person I am telling this to," my friend said with a slightly trembling voice, breaking the silence. At that time I was sixteen years old, I had a naïve assumption that I could best help others if I have been through the same problems with them. Every time I had conversations with people, I would not only expose my painful memories but also exaggerate them to gain sympathy from them. It seemed like people had an easier time opening up me in this way. When my friend shared that she was sexually abused by her neighbor when she was six years old, I soon realized my logic was wrong. Though she broke down in front of me because of anger and the fear of men, I could not say a word. The story was too painful and sensitive for me to pretend to understand her pain. This experience of feeling helpless and witnessing suffering did not kill my passion of helping wounded people, but inspired it. I began to love to observe human interaction and to analyze the way people talk and react. I yearned to learn something universal to heal peoples' hearts. Psychology, my intended major, is a perfect match for both my interest and passion. I especially want to study trauma and healing so I can be "Quick-eyed Love," introduced in the poem Love, by George Herbert. I want to be "Quick-eyed Love" who can notice somebody's suffering and make him feel loved, welcomed, and worthy.

yangThreads: 2 Posts: 424 Author: Yang	Jan 12, 2010, 08:51pm #9
youngkim9193: Do you think it would be best to leave that sentence out? no, just change the pursuit of happiness part. Putting people's life back on track doesn't mean allowing them to resume their pursuit of happiness, since not everyone's pursuing happiness, or if you actually think that that's everyone's ultimate goal, then you'd have to explain and it's an entire hassle to prove such theory. youngkim9193: and the essay is supposed to be around 250 words :) ah, i see. OH, that's right, we had to do 1 short one and 1or2 long ones right? It's been awhile since I did my umich app. the word length is perfect then. youngkim9193: I soon realized my logic was wrong I realized - when and soon don't go together. youngkim9193: I began to love to observe human interaction and to analyze the way people talk and react. Sry, I don't know why I suggested infinitive, but "to love observing...and analyzing" sounds a lot less awkward. youngkim9193: something universal to heal peoples' hearts something universal that would heal. This way, the "something" becomes a subject, which puts emphasis on it i think. youngkim9193: of helping wounded people lol almost missed it. great addition :) youngkim9193: I want to be "Quick-eyed Love" who can notice somebody's suffering and make him feel loved, welcomed, and worthy. I'd say "I wish to be xxxx, the protagonist in the story, (this way, you don't have to repeat the book's name) who is able to (better than "can") notice someone (idk, i just like to use someone haha)'s suffering and make that person (politically correct :D) feel loved, ..." overall, much clearer essay, and almost ready for submission! (i say almost because you should get an english teacher or your advisor to check it one last time for grammar and syntax before submitting it) I personally don't see anymore mistakes, and I think that it's very well written. Job well done!

youngkim9193Threads: 4 Posts: 19 Author: Hee Young Kim	Jan 12, 2010, 09:29pm #10
Thank you so much for spending your time on my essay! I'll go over once more with my advisor :) Thank you, again!

yangThreads: 2 Posts: 424 Author: Yang	Jan 12, 2010, 10:11pm #11
yw, I didn't do much work, it was your own inspiration :D

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