Hello everyone,
as I prepare for an upcoming TOEFL I try to improve my essay skills. However it is hard to improve without feedback. Thus I'd appreciate any comments and suggestions about the following essay :)
I wrote it in the 30 minutes exam settings so it is definitely not perfect. However I parsed this through a spellchecker afterwards.
David
The prompt was "Is it better for children to participate in team sports or individual sports? Why? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.".
"The issue at hand is the question whether team sports or individual sports are better for children. This is a crucial question because spare time activities greatly
influence the development of a child towards adulthood. I believe that team sports have a more positive impact on this development due to their social aspects and
inherent variety.
Firstly team sports are mostly games. Games represent several real life issues in a fun setting for children. Thus children can learn how to cope with issues such as
winning and losing very early. They will also understand that the sum might be greater than its parts which is an other important life lesson.
Furthermore children learn how to act in a social environment. In order to win a game of football for instance it is not enough to have good skills with the ball but
it takes communication and social skills. If children are engaged to practice these important skills in their early years they will be able to use them later on.
Therefore social interaction not only within their team but also with their opponents greatly improves their development.
Additionally many children simply enjoy playing with their friends. It is a good way of spending time with your fellows as well as great opportunity to get to know
new people. Team sports do not only improve the future but also the current social life of the children.
Finally team sports give children the possibility to find their role in a small community. For example American football offers the possibility for every child with
any combination of strengths and weaknesses to contribute to a team's victory. This represents a future role issue in society that children will face in their later
years.
To conclude, team sports are clearly superior to individual sports. I hold this believe because they teach children important lessons for their future life and
moreover make the current life more social and happy."
i wiill definitely put a period after footbal.Capital F in for and a comma after instance.i will put a comma afrer futhermore,....honestly i think its a good essay.i would just suggest you to use a comma ather all the transitional words such as,for instance,aditionnally,for example,moreover,on the other hand,and so one.i think its a good essay.clear idea.good job!
Hello natacha,
thank you for your comment.
"i wiill definitely put a period after footbal."
"Capital F in for and a comma after instance." (capital F?)
Do you mean it like this?
In order to win a game of football For instance, it is not enough to have good skills with the ball. But (or instead?) it takes communication and social skills.
In order to win a game of football For instance, it is not enough to have good skills with the ball. But (or instead?) it takes communication and social skills.
No, don't capitalize For:
In order to win a game of football, for instance, it is not enough to have good skills with the ball. But (or instead?) it It also takes communication and social skills.
... due to their social aspects and
inherent variety.--- This is good, but it makes me expect to see only subjects covered in the body paragraphs: variety and social aspects. You gave 4 or 5 different ideas, though, so list ALL of the ideas in this thesis sentence:
... due to their life lessons, social aspects, community connections, and inherent variety.--- Now THAT will be a good thesis statement. I like thesis statements that list the points that will be covered in the body paragraphs.
(You'll need to add a paragraph about inherent variety. )
