'Taxpayer, employer and individual' - IELTS Writing : Cambridge 1 : Practice 1

I am practicing my writing skill to prepare IELTS test. For your comments and corrections I would be very thankful
Please check it about grammar and anything else. Last,it may be best if you can guess brand of ielts<1-9>.

question : photo at below
My essay ..

The bar chart illustrates the percentages of adults who have a reason why they determine to study, with another
pie chart providing the percentage of people who think how the cost of adult education should be distributed.
It is noticeable that many adults who determine to study because they interest in subject around 40%. Besides
there are 38% of adults who explain that they want to gain qualifications. While other reasons are helpful for current
job , upgrade prospects of promotion and anything else ,a few adults claim that is because of meeting people and
being able to change jobs around 9% and 12% respectively.
As can be seen, the cost of each course should be distributed in three ways -Taxpayer, employer and individual
with the different proportion. At the most percentage, 40%,the cost should be portioned to Individual. In contrast,
the number of percentage that the cost should be distributed to Taxpayer is around 25%
Overall, Adults who want to study have a vast array of reasons with proper of distributed cost proportions.

thank you :)

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The bar chart illustrates the percentages of adults who have a reason why they determine to study
Make it concise : the reason behind their determination to study

with another pie chart providing the percentage of people who think how the cost of adult education should be distributed.
Make this a separate sentence, as these are two different charts also Keep it short and sweet

It is noticeable
Use Active: I noticed
there are 38% of adults who explain that they want to gain qualifications
Again : Make it short and sweet eg: Chart depicts or shows

While other reasons are helpful for current job , upgrade prospects of promotion and anything else ,
Anything else is not a reason perhaps ;
Individuals pursue studies for various reason. Some find study helpful for current job. Others...

First, I'd like to suggest you the structure I and dumi always suggest for this task.
As per this structure, your introduction is fine. However, the second paragraph goes beyond the scope of an overview. Hope you have a better alignment of your writing with this one we suggest. :)

... If you tell your idea direct you can have better clarity in presenting your ideas;
It can be noted that 40% of the adults choose to study due to their interest in the subject while 38% of them intend to study to gain qualifications.


... This too is a very confusing sentence. You need to improve its clarity;
Helpful for current job, upgrade prospects of promotion, enjoy learning and studying, to be able to meet new people and change jobs are the other reasons for adult education which represent 22%,20%,20%,12% and 9% respectively of total adults who are engaged in studies.

Follow the structure Pahan suggested you !

thanks Pahan Gtamani and dumi.
i will try to. write again :)