Please provide feedbacks on my essay. Appreciate your help. Thanks
TASK:People spend their free time among the same group as themselves. Whereas some people enjoy spending time with all age groups. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
People are social beings by nature so it is normal for them to seek the companionship of others. But, an interesting point to see is the variation on how people choose their companions, and among several aspects to be considered, age is the common one. Certain reasons are observed on why people spend their leisure time with the same age group as well as those who prefer to go with different ones.
Apparently, a person feels more comfortable around friends with the same age because they are more likely to have common interests such as hobbies and lifestyles. Thus, chances of being left out from these kinds of groups are low. Also, in games and sports, competing against someone at the same age level is believed to be fair as nobody has far more advantage in terms of experience and skills.
On the other hand, some people prefer to be with a different age group, in most cases older than them, because they believe it can help them improve their knowledge and skills. Firstly, an individual can gain a diverse perspective of certain things by listening to the stories and experiences of others who are at a different age level. Secondly, in playing a game regularly with players who are more mature and experienced, one is bound to adhere the techniques and skills of their teammates as well as their opponents. Thus, a person benefits from this by way of improving his skills.
In my opinion, it does not really matter much if you are in the same or different age group, either way could be beneficial to someone. I think what matters most is how you feel about being in the group, which one makes you happy and comfortable may it be during your leisure time or any other time.
But, anNonetheless the interesting point to see is the variation on how people choose their companions, and among several aspects to be considered, age is the common one
Do you think mentioning the time spent with kids that acts as stress buster and who entertain a lot, is worthwhile?
Overall Good effort.
Cheers!!
competing against someone at the same age level is believed to be fair as nobody has far more advantage in terms of experience and skills.
In this sentence, advantage shoule become plural form, right?
one is bound to adhere the techniques and skills of their teammates as well as their opponents
there is a "to" should be added to just behind the word" adhere".
I look through your passage very closely, these are the only errors I can find, but I am not sure whether I revised them in a right way. sorry~
your essay are brilliant! I can learn a lot from it !
Dear Gmad06
your introduction and 2 body paragraphs are good organized, but in my point of view in this part:
it would better to talk about your view by main idea and support it. your unity was not really good. but I like your ideas.
And for the conclusion, you don't talk about exact word conclusion/synonym of it. you may state the other aspects or say about your ideas in paraphrasing form.
be success and happy,
Nooshin
