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IELTS taks 2 essay: computer has negative effects to children



dungpvt2004Threads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Pham Vu Tuan Dung
   
Jun 1, 2010, 10:41pm   #1
Using computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children?
do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, thanks to the development of technology, computer is now indispensable to life. Some people think that computer is good for children and it should be used daily by children but some others think differently. In my opinion, the latter opinion is true.

First, using computer constantly has bad influence on children's eyes. When they concentrate on computer for too long, their eyes will get tired, which is the main reason for some eyes problems, typically shortsighted.

Moreover, children who play games too much on computer can seriously lack communicating skills, they will know little about the outside life. It is a well-known fact that people who are addicted to games, especially online games, can eventually bear dangerous consequences. For instance, several teenagers play games without rest, which leads to health depression, a typical example is the death of Korean gamer, who had a non-stop playing for 3 days.

Finally, even people who are not interested in online game can still be negatively affected by using computer too much. Some social surveys have shown that a few children use computer for studying purpose, most of them are attracted by facebook, blog, etc. instead. Due to this neglect, they will have a bad result in school because when they can not live without internet, they will have no time for their studying.

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that computer is a crucial part of human life, it still has its bad side, especially for children. People should learn how to use it properly to make it an effective tool because computer should be used not only for entertaining but also for working and studying purpose.

This is my practice essay for IELTS task 2.please give me some feedback about it and the possible bandscore.

Thanks !!!



babyevyThreads: 4
Posts: 38
Author: Evelyn Acosta
   
Jun 2, 2010, 01:20pm   #2
hi Pham,
I think your essay is well organized but you need to improve it especially the thesis stament

"In my opinion, the latter opinion is true". since tha thesis is the most important part of the essay you shoul use it to make your point of view strong and persuasive.Try to say your opinion and also why???giving a reason can make it stronger...that's what my teacher says... :)

and also the conclusion ... you have to summarize all the reasons you gave why using computer will have a negative effect on children.

and there are also some parts that doesn't sound good for me.... for example:

bad influence on children's eyes you can try to say this in another way...

For instance, several teenagers play games without rest, which leads to health depression. a typical example is A good example oh this can be the death of Korean gamer, who had a non-stop playing for 3 days or Fo instance, A Korean gamer died after having a non stop playing for three days.

a bad result in school I would say: poor school achievement

when they can not live without internet, they will have no time for their studying. try to use another word instead of WHEN because you hace to give cause and result... maybe so, consequently. hence, etc

:) I hope it helps you a bit!!!


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jun 3, 2010, 03:59pm   #3
I think its true that the thesis statement could be stronger. The latter opinion is "otherwise." Instead of saying otherwise do this:
Nowadays, thanks to the development of technology, computer is now indispensable to life. Some people think that computer is good for children and it should be used daily by children but some others think that childrens' use of computers should be limited. In my opinion, the latter opinion is true, because _________(give a succinct explanation for why your opinion is the way it is)

Then begin to make those body paragraphs that support the thesis:
First, using computers has ...

Moreover, children who play games too much on the computer can seriously lack communicating skills; they will know little about the outside life. It is a well-known fact ...

Finally, even people who are not interested in online games can still be negatively affected by using the computer too much. Some social surveys have shown that a few children use computer for studying purposes. Most of them are attracted by Facebook, Blogging, etc., instead. Due to this neglect, they will have ...

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that the computer is a crucial part of human life, it still has its bad side, especially for children. --- very good sentence!!


dungpvt2004Threads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Pham Vu Tuan Dung
   
Jun 4, 2010, 11:34am   #4
can you tell what i should write to strengthen my thesis statement? I always think that i would write the reason why i agree with the latter opinion in my body paragraphs.


shalini singhThreads: 14
Posts: 63
Author: shalini singh
   
Jun 4, 2010, 12:31pm   #5
Using computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children?
do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, thanks to the development of technology, computer is now indispensable to life. Some people think that computer is good for children and it should be used daily by children but some others think differently. In my opinion, the latter opinion is true.

Twentieth century is known for its technical advancement in the field of transportation, communication and many more. Among these one greatest advancement is development of computer technologies,it is now indispensable to life. Some people think that computer is good for children and it should be used daily by children but some others think [font#FF0000]It is effecting their children in different waysdifferently. In my opinion, the latter opinion is true [/font]

First, using computer constantly has bad influence on children's eyes. When they concentrate on computer for too long, their eyes will gets tired, which is the main reason for some eyes problems, typically shortsightedness .

Moreover, children who play games too much on computer can seriously lack communicating skills, they will know little about the outside lifeworld. It is a well-known fact that people who are addicted to games, especially online games, can eventually bear dangerous consequences. For instance, several teenagers play games without rest, which leads to health depression, a typical example is the death of Korean gamer, who had aplayed non-stop playing for 3 days.

Finally, even people who are not interested in online game can still be negatively affected by using computer too much. Some social surveys have shown that a few children use computer for studying purpose, most of them are attracted by facebook, blog, etc. instead. Due to this neglectneglegance[/s], they will have a bad result in school because when they can not live without internet, they will have no time for their studying.

In conclusion, although it is undeniable that computer is a crucial part of human life, it still has its bad sideadverse effects , especially for children. People should learn how to use it properly to make it an effective tool because computer should be used not only for entertaining but also for working and studying purpose.

This is my practice essay for IELTS task 2.please give me some feedback about it and the possible bandscore.

Thanks !!!

Hi I tried to incorporate what came in mind after reading your essay,

Good Luck


aJ_M_65Threads: 1
Posts: 4
Author: Ata J
   
Jun 5, 2010, 12:47am   #6
In conclusion, although it is undeniable that the computer is a crucial part of human life,it still has its bad side,(my opinion concluded,i would rather write it this way:In conclusion ,there is no doubt that computers are indispensable elements in human life,also harmful aspect cannot be overlooked) especially for children. People should learn how to use it properly to make it an effective tool device because computer should be used not should not be used only for entertaining but also for working and studying purpose(educational and occupational purposes)


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jun 5, 2010, 02:26pm   #7
dungpvt2004:
I always think that i would write the reason why i agree with the latter opinion in my body paragraphs.


Well, the thesis statement should answer in a single sentence the question that the essay is trying to answer.

So, at the end of the first paragraph, use a sentence like that. If you had to tell me the whole essay in one sentence, what would that sentence be? Put it at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, in the body paragraphs, you can explain several reasons. The change I would make is like this:

In my opinion, the latter position is more correct, because of harm to the eyes, deterioration of communication skills, and children's tendency to use the computer for purposes not related to learning.

That way, the three body paragraphs will correspond to the three parts of the thesis.




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