It is true that, with the economic and social development, the number of students who work part-time during school time is increasing remarkably. As a result, it has become one of the most controversial issues among students. Some hold the view that students can face certain challenges with a part-time job; meanwhile, others argue that working part-time can bring students some benefits. Through this essay, I am going to discuss both sides of this argument, and its advantages and disadvantages.
On one side, those people who stand for the idea that students should not work part-time usually claim that students should save time for their lessons and experiences rather than work part-time. They find more concentration while they don't have to be worried about their job and responsibility that keep pressure on them in the work-place. Furthermore, they need to maintain a good health for their study, and it may risk their life while working in an insecure environment. Many jobs like hands-on jobs require special skills to avoid dangerous situation that may happen while working with, for example drilling machines. Therefore, it takes students' time and energy to do their work carefully.
On the other hand, others who advocate that part-time job is beneficial for students believe that students can get more practical experiences for their future business. In fact, formal training at college or universities only provides students with a basic background. In this case, it is no doubt that working part-time seems to be more helpful as it helps students learn more about responsibilities as well as real business challenges, which reinforces what they are learning at school. According to the news, some studies show that undergraduates working part-time are more confident than the others when they start a job after graduation. In addition, students can earn some money in order to afford their expenses through studying time. They have to pay for their accommodation and course fee during taking some credits at school. Thus, students can overcome their issue related to financial burdens during their education time by working.
To sum up, learners have options to choose part-time job through their studying time at school, but I think it would be better for them to focus on their academic studying to approach their goals of education and finally successful future.
PLEASE SEE MY TOEFL ESSAY AND HOW IT LOOKS. THANKYOU
The common news that students now work part time through school has been compelled by economic and social change. Remarkably, it has become... Some see students excelling at school while having to work... on the other hand... first we will examine (put your first point here) followed by a discussion on (second point) them moving into (last point) Both sides of the argument will be shown in separate and sequential paragraphs followed by the conclusion.
You have good arguments but need to present your point in a more predictable way to your teacher. I would suggest that you try to follow a more structured format like above. But this is just my humble opinion
