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Sport personalities' salaries + blaming crime on media - Writing task 2 for Ielts



phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Jul 26, 2010, 05:41am   #1
Next time thread will be removed again; you must learn about composing a relevant thread title.

EF


Please help me to correct these essays. I need this to improve my writing skill. Thanks a lot!
Sports now receive too much attention from the public. Sport personalities are paid much more than they deserve.

To what extent you agree or disagree?
Sport is always a domain which has attracted people all around the world. Therefore, athletes who are successful in sports are always admired and paid a lot of money. Some people claimed that athletes are paid much more than they deserve. From my perspective, for being successful all sport stars have had to work very hard, so things that they received are all deserved.
Firstly, different from other fields, to be successful in sports, people need not only efforts but also talent. Not many people can achieve peaks at sports. In addition, they have to spend all their youth on training to become successful sportsmen. Take for instance, football players who want to be famous and successful need to be trained since they were kids. They have to spend their childhoods on football fields instead of playing or studying like other normal children. They have to pay a high price for their success. Training and working very hard, but not all football players could become successful and famous, the also need aptitude and luck. So, when they play well and gain awards, the deserve to have attention from public and to be paid well.
Moreover, sports are hard work to do. Because almost all athletes might only reach their achievements in sports when they are young and strong and they could suffer injuries on training or competitions. Therefore, people who consider sports as their career have a short period of time to earn money from their vocation. Consequently, sportsmen are deserved to receive much money than other jobs for what they have done.
In conclusion, people might think that it is unfair if athletes can receive much more than others, I'm of the view that they have enough aptitude and endeavour, so they have rights to receive what they are deserved.
( 301 words)

In many countries, an increase in crime has been blamed on violent images on television and in computer and video games.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In modern life, computers and televisions seem not the be lacked. They have brought many benefits but they have caused many problems. People in many countries believe that violent images which usually appears on televisions, computers and video games can be main reasons for the rapid growth of crime. In my opinion, these violent images might cause some bad effects on people who see but they are not major reasons for the increase in crime rates.
Firstly, although it could be said that some offenders of violent crime were influenced by these violent images, I am of the view that violent images and games can not be blamed. There are many strong reasons to explain the increase in crime on the society such as families break, drug abuse or unemployment. They have caused many psychological problems in people, especially adolescents who do not have enough knowledges to protect themselves.
In addition, not all people who have seen images of violence on televisions or computer games are going to commit crimes. For instance, there are many gamers who play violent computer games everyday. If violent images were main reasons causing crime, then all of these gamers would become criminals, but they would not. Form my perspective, a main reason for the increase in crime was the weakness of education systems from families to schools. If education systems were good , every individuals could have abilities to distinguish between violent images and real life and the could avoid bad effects caused by images of violence.
In conclusion, we can not blame on the violent images for the rapid growth of crime. There are many others reasons that we have to consider and find the way to solve them instead of putting all responsibility on images of violence or computer games.
( 299 words)




With the rise in popularity of the internet, newspapers will soon become a thing of the past
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Thesedays, the Internet is seemed to be the most popular communication way in the world. Some may say that although the Internet is developing with incredible speed, newspapers is still the best way to follow news. However, my own personal view is that with an enormous speed of development on the Internet all over the world, newspapers will soon be forgotten.
While it might be argued that newspapers are more traditional and none of other types of communication can replace newspapers in lives, the truth is that people, especially young people prefer using their computers to follow news on the Internet to reading newspapers. There may some rare places where the Internet has not reached out, people have to use newspapers as the main communication to follow news . Nevertheless,using the Internet wastes less time and money searching news than buying newspapers and surfing the Internet instead of producing newspapers may be helpful in order to protect our environment.
It can be denied that surfing the Internet saves much time and money than reading newspapers. With a computer and a cable or wifi, people can surf the Internet to find news in anywhere they want. With only one click, they can read news all over the world and news is updated every minute. If people read newspapers , it will take a long time to find information that they are searching for and it will also take lots of money. Because of conveniences come from the Internet, thesedays, people prefer the Internet to newspapers.
Furthermore, using the Internet instead of printing newspapers might help the world to protect environment. To print newspapers people have to use a lot of woods, so they have to destroy forests. Deforestation is one of main causes for the lose of environment balance. We can reduce the using of woods by stop printing newspapers and using the Internet, instead.
In conclusion, the rapid rise of the Internet is a recent trend in modern life. Despite the fact that many people still using newspapers as the main way to search news, the Internet will soon replace newspapers and becomes the most popular and convenient communication way to follow news.
( 387 words)



TetanyaThreads: 6
Posts: 36
Author: Tanya Dmutrenko
   
Jul 26, 2010, 06:41am   #2
Consequently, sportsmen are deserveds to receive much more money than other jobs professions for what they have done.

, so they have rights to receive what they are have deserved.

In conclusion, people might think that it is unfair if that athletes can receive much more than others,...

These days, the Internet is seemeds to be the most popular communication way in the world

However, my own personal(or own---you can choose own or personal, but do not use these words together) view is that with an enormous speed of development on of the Internet all over the world, newspapers will soon be forgotten.

There may some rare places where the Internet has not reached out, people have to use newspapers as the main communication to follow news .----This sentence do not give clear idea of what you wanted to say(my opinion).

Nevertheless,using the Internet, wastes less time and money searching news we waste less time and money than we buy use newspapers. Moreover, surfing the Internet instead of producing newspapers may be helpful in order to protect our environment is less harmful for environment that producing papers.

Nevertheless,using the Internet wastes less time and money searching news than buying newspapers and surfing the Internet instead of producing newspapers may be helpful in order to protect our environment. It can be denied that surfing the Internet saves much more time and money than reading newspapers.----You are actually saying the same twice. Instead you can write:
Nevertheless,using the Internet,we waste less time and money than we use newspapers, despite the fact that it can be denied.

Because of the conveniences that came from the Internet, thesedays, people prefer the Internet to rather than newspapers.

Deforestation is one of the main most important causes for the lose of environment balance why the environment balance is broken.

In conclusion, the rapid rise of the Internet's popularity is a recent trend in modern life. Despite the fact that many people is still using newspapers as the main way to search news, the Internet will soon replace newspapers and becomes the most popular and convenient communication way to follow news.


phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Jul 27, 2010, 09:17am   #3
Tetanya! Thank you so much for your helping!


phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Jul 27, 2010, 10:04am   #4
Consequently, sportsmen deserveds deserve to receive much more money than other jobs professions for what they have done.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jul 27, 2010, 02:45pm   #5
Here are some other good ideas:

Not many people can achieve peak skill levels at sports. In addition, they have to spend all their youth on training to become successful sportsmen. Take for instance, football players who want to be famous and successful; they need to be trained from the time of childhood.

Look at this to learn about singular and plural:
If education systems were good, every individual could have the ability to distinguish between ...
or you can do this:
If education systems were good, all individuals could have the ability to distinguish between...

Furthermore, using the Internet instead of printing newspapers might help the world to protect the environment.

:-)


phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Jul 28, 2010, 12:03pm   #6
Thanks a lot! Kevin
Do you think the words that i did used were informal?


lin54390Threads: 5
Posts: 17
Author: dong
   
Jul 28, 2010, 08:22pm   #7
your stament is ok
how about taking a specific example of an athlete who get well-paid salaries after endeavour?

Training and working very hard, but not all football players could become successful and famous, they also need aptitude and luck.


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Jul 30, 2010, 12:32pm   #8
Good point. I'll fix this so that it is not a run on sentence:

Training and working very hard, but not all football players could become successful and famous. They also need aptitude and luck.--- it has to be 2 sentences.


phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Aug 1, 2010, 07:15am   #9
Some people say that the words using in my essay are not formal. Kevin, could you give the idea?


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Aug 2, 2010, 06:59pm   #10
phanhuyen:
Some people say that the words using in my essay are not formal. Kevin, could you give the idea?


Correction: Some people say that the words I am using in my essay are not formal. Kevin, could you give me your thoughts about this?

I looked again at them, and none of them seem informal. I wonder why people thought that...

I will make some corrections here, though:
In modern life, computers and televisions seem not the be lacked are abundant. They have brought many benefits, but they also have caused many problems. People in ...


Firstly, although it could be said that some offenders who commit violent crimes were influenced by these violent images, I am of the view that violent...

They have caused many psychological problems in people, especially adolescents who do not have enough knowledges knowledge to protect themselves.

Practice with those corrections. Read each one out loud.

:-)


phanhuyenThreads: 2
Posts: 11
Author: Phan Huyen
   
Aug 3, 2010, 03:23am   #11
Kevin!
This week, I have been busy with my French tests. Tomorrow, when I finish my speaking test, I will try to write some essays. Could you please correct them for me if you do not mind?
Have a nice day!


EF_KevinThreads: 33
Posts: 14,154
Author: You can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads!
 Likes 4  
Aug 4, 2010, 03:15pm   #12
Yep! Please start a new thread for each essay! :-)




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