Solutions to improve public health.

Please help me by providing some feedback on my essay

Some people says that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however say that this would have little impact on public health and the other measures are required.

Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

Citizen's well-being is often considered as nation's well-being. But general public health is declining these days,
and there are many possible solutions for this worrying trend. Few claims that one among such solutions
is to have more number of sports clubs.

There is no doubt that the physical fitness keeps one healthy and active. Taking some time out
for any sort of outdoor game is a good exercise for human body.But most of the people are failed to take part
in sports, it may be due to the busier life style and the distance of the sports Centers from their neighborhood.
Increasing the number of sports club in different areas may encourage people to participate in sports
in their local sports club ,with out worrying much about time and distance.

However, there is an argument that most of the sports club's are often charges too much, and it not affordable
to every one.Considering this situation, expanding sports centers is not alone the complete solution to
improve public health. Other alternatives such as, taking a brisk walk for 30 mins daily is a good form
of exercise with plenty of benefits . In addition to that, performing house holds things on a daily basis also
brings positive effects to our body .And also Government should conduct some health campaigns
explaining the importance of proper diet and regular exercises for a balanced life. Some people
are more interested in variety of exercises by neglecting the diet, this will also have unhealthy benefits.

Having discussed different sort of solutions to avoid unhealthy life style, I would say increasing
the number of sports clubs is not a full fledged solution to the problem.

Hi...,
Your write well. However, you need to pay attention to the question:
Take a closer look at the prompt:


and here is your response.
There is no doubt that the physical fitness keeps one healthy and active. Taking some time out for any sort of outdoor game is a good exercise for human body.But most of the people are failed to take part in sports, it may be due to the busier life style and the distance of the sports Centers from their neighborhood. Increasing the number of sports club in different areas may encourage people to participate in sports in their local sports club ,with out worrying much about time and distance.

The red one is not closely aligned with the prompt (bold face). You are not asked to talk about the reasons why people are failed to get involved in sports. I suggest you omit this sentence

Thanks.

I love this hook :) Very good :)


Hey, this sounds a bit stereotype statement :D This may not be true with some countries, especially the developed one. So, be careful when you make generalizations!


.... How about the other side of the argument?


You need to introduce this side of the issue to the reader too... Make sure that you properly introduce the background of the issue in the introduction :)

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it for TOEFL, IELTS, GRE? It's better you mention the purpose so that we can provide you with more task related comments :)


I fully agree. You have very good writing skills. You have good grammar, vocabulary, sentence structures etc. However, you need to stay aligned with the prompt. This is the main weakness I too found in your writing, especially with the introduction. That's why both eddies and Pahan have made those comments.

Thank you so much for your comments, will concentrate on the point you mentioned going further.