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"The smell of the library is different" - a descriptive essay (library)



92angelThreads: 3
Posts: 7
Author: Joseph R
   
Mar 3, 2011, 03:17pm   #1
CAN ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME....AS FAST AS you can!!! i have to do an descriptive essay of my library! my teacher told me i have to many run on sentences...i just dont get it what i can describe more, so frustrating! she gave me another chance to re- do it ...i have until tomo. please help me!




I have entered the library from its huge doors that I have not seen before, I took my first step in looked around to see what does this place have, I could see all different kind of students with different ethnicities siting with their friends studying, the huge windows at the back of the library gave a magnificent and outstanding look with a powerful ...
SEE BELOW



kak3521Threads: 2
Posts: 12
Author: Kimberly Kidd
   
Mar 3, 2011, 09:47pm   #2
Hi, I do see what your teacher was talking about with the run-on sentences, although the essay if very descriptive and good overall.

Let's look at this first sentence here:
"I have entered the library from its huge doors that I have not seen before, I took my first step in looked around to see what does this place have, I could see all different kind of students with different ethnicities siting with their friends studying, the huge windows at the back of the library gave a magnificent and outstanding look with a powerful light into the library, the artificial trees and plants standing in almost every corner of the library gave it a unique look, a beautiful one."

As it stands now, this is all one sentence...it could probably be broken down into about 5 shorter sentences, it would flow better and help describe this library in more direct terms. Here's how you can do this:

I have entered the library through its unfamiliar large doors. (This simplifies what you were trying to say in that first part and it can be a sentence in itself. It contained every element needed to structure a sentence: i.e. subject, verb...) I took my first step in and looked around, I could see many diverse groups of students sitting with friends studying. (Now that you're about to describe the structure of the library, new sentence) There are huge windows at the back of the library that give a magnificent a outstanding look, while also bringing in a powerful light into the library. Artificial trees and plants stand in almost every corner of the library, giving it a unique and beautiful look. So I broke this first sentence into 4 separate sentences.

From reading the rest of the essay, it almost seems as if you have a comma in pretty much every place that a period or a semi-colon is needed. Does it make sense how I broke down that first part? I also fixed a few grammatical errors. I hope that helps!


92angelThreads: 3
Posts: 7
Author: Joseph R
   
Mar 3, 2011, 10:00pm   #3
Thank you very much...yes it do makes sense!!
and she told me like in every paragraph theres a run on sentences :/
but thanks again


kak3521Threads: 2
Posts: 12
Author: Kimberly Kidd
   
Mar 3, 2011, 10:12pm   #4
Yes there are run on sentences in every paragraph. I just wanted to give you a breakdown of how to fix them. So now you can try to correct them yourself, which will help you understand better for future writing. You can reply with changes you've made to other paragraphs and I'd be more than happy to check back and tell you how you're doing....at least, in my opinion. :)


92angelThreads: 3
Posts: 7
Author: Joseph R
   
Mar 3, 2011, 10:25pm   #5
alrighty so this is my final Draft , what do you think ? i did make a lot of changes i hope they are good tho.
i really do appreciate you for helping me;)


I have entered the library through its unfamiliar large doors. I took my first step in and looked around; I could see many diverse groups of students sitting with friends studying. There are huge windows at the back of the library that give a magnificent and outstanding look, while also bringing in a powerful light into the library. Artificial trees and plants stand in almost every corner of the library, giving it a unique and beautiful look.

The carpet was made thick and comfy so the sound of people walking by wont disturb the focused students sitting in the library, The books were properly organized in an alphabetic order so it would be easier for the students to find a specific book and not waste their time looking for it, The different wooden pieces in the library, Each one was made for a different purpose, a high table with its high chairs for the comfort of the tall people and the ones who need to use their own computer devices, The wide chairs near the huge windows for whom who like to read with a natural light coming from the windows, Along with other diverse pieces of furniture are present there each one serves and important duty.


The smell of the library is different. I could smell a new ideas just by walking in, the powerful smell of imagination coming from the laying books on the shelves that want to be read, The antique smell of the pages of old books, the untouched books lying on the shelves, the smell of the dust coming from these books, The food that students bring with them to the library, The smell of cologne and perfume of the students walking next to me, the smell of sweat of the students involved in a sport activity, scents from the pleasant to the wretched, The distinct smell of the unwashed clothes along with the cigarette smell that will have me depressed in no time once it crosses my nose. The smells mixed together made the library full of life because of the different kind of smells, without these smells going around the library it would be lifeless, I cannot imagine sitting there and smell nothing, that is just impossible.

Touching the smooth bindings of ancient and new books gave me a whole new perspective on books, The feeling of the thin and over used papers gave the book a strange new look, even though it is old, The weight of the books differ from each other, there are some thick and heavy ones which makes it more hard to carry around and the thin light books that are more easier to walk around with. The old tables i sit on have many rough and sharp splinters I could see and feel every time I sit there to study.

I Could feel the carpet underneath my feet, it is so comfortable to walk on. The piece of cloth on the chairs are made with the finest material for the convenience of the students, I could sit and learn all day on these chair and never feel a slight feeling of a pain in my back, the different wooden pieces around the library are smooth and clean, some has graffiti drawn on them by the students, almost every piece of wood in the library has it is individual graffiti.

I could hear nothing but the quiet peaceful sounds of paper turning and minds thinking at their best, the sound of the copying machines keeps going all day long unstoppable, the air conditioner turning on and off, the sound of the moving leaves of the artificial trees every time the air conditioner hits it, the students buzzing around like i am sitting beside a hive of bees punctuated by a few louder statements from the librarian to make the students lower their voices so others can focus, the whispering among the students, the chairs scrapping against the floor each time a student moves, I could hear the snoring of the sleeping students, the different laughs people make.


kak3521Threads: 2
Posts: 12
Author: Kimberly Kidd
   
Mar 3, 2011, 10:56pm   #6
I just reread the first sentence and think you should change it to large and unfamiliar doors - seems to flow better that way. I didn't think of that when I first responded. :)

In second paragraph, use "comfortable" instead of comfy. Comfy is too informal. Same sentence: "wont" needs to be punctuated as won't. Also in this second paragraph, you capitalized all the appropriate new sentences but kept the commas. Change the commas in this paragraph to periods. Very important here.

"There are different wooden pieces in the library, Eeach one was made for a different purpose. A high table with its high chairs for the comfort of the tall people and the ones who need to use their own computers. devices" - makes more sense.

"The wide chairs near the huge windows for whomthose who like to read with a natural light coming from the windows,. (period here) Along with other diverse pieces of furniture are present there each one serves and important duty.

There are still waaaaay too many commas in this essay. You capitalized new sentences without changing commas to periods. Doesn't quite work that way, you have to do both.


MahroooThreads: 3
Posts: 12
Author: Khalid Hassan
   
Mar 4, 2011, 03:05am   #7
check again after comma there is no capital letter.




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