Should we encourage children to be competitive or cooperative?

I'd love some feedbacks on my IELTS essay. Thanks!

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It seems that we are living in a world full of competitions, from academic competitions since young age to office competitions in adult lives, even singing contests are in fashion these days. It is some people's beliefs that children should be encouraged to be competitive when they were little, while some hold the view that we should teach them the importance of co-operation instead of winning. From my point of view, I tend to believe that a little competition is needed, although it should not be a necessity in lives.

It is said that there is a greater chance of winning if one had a better head start. That is why children need to get used to competition as early as possible, due to the fact that they have to face that eventually. Some people worry that if we do not prepare them for it, they cannot survive that pressure. This might be true.

However, every so often we saw the news about how high school student commit suicide when they did not get an ideal grade. They cannot stand the fact that they lost to someone else or fail to enter a top university. Putting to much pressure on them can only lead to a result that is sympathetic. Learning how to work with people, and develop interpersonal skills sound more promising when debating on how we should teach our offspring.

In conclusion, some competition for youngsters in their school lives might be benevolent for them. Nevertheless, it is more realistic to teach them how to interact and socialize with others. I believe that it is more useful to possess a skill of dealing with people rather than beating them.

(281 words)

you believe that cooperation is much more important then competition, right?
I think it is alittle messy to find what are you saying...
If u do think cooperation is crucial, why do not try some ideas like ... teamwork bring more success, people need others to cooperate with and to get new ideas, the parterners will stimulate our new ideas...access to achieve success...

anyway, aboves are just my personal opion...hope to see your other essays.

Thank you Maria for the corrections! :)
I'll work on how to express my idea in a more logical way.

I was going to writing the sentence like this:
Putting too much pressure on them can only lead to a result thatno one wants to see .
Haha, I figured using one word would be better.
Obviously not if I chose the wrong word...

***
Thank you MissS1987.

I guess my biggest problem is that I don't outline my points before writing it.
I just write down what's on my mind because I'm so afraid that there won't be enough time.
(In IELTS, the essay should be finished in 40 minutes.)
I'll revise my essay based on the suggestions you gave me. :)

Hey, I sure can use all the help I get!
The more opinions the better!

That's a really good sentence! You should keep it! =)


I think that is my problem with timed essays, too. Hopefully we can both improve! =)


Awesome. You should post it in this thread so we can try helping you more :-)

Good luck! :)

DONE! This is my revision.
I re-paragraphed, added some ideas in the 3rd paragraph, and deleted some sentences because I already wrote too much. I wonder what else I can do about my second paragraph (too many words).

(Is there a word for "to make it shorter, to say what you want to say without saying too much"?)

They cannot stand the fact that they lost to someone else of the fact that they failed to enter a top university. Putting too much pressure on them can only lead to a result that no one wants to see.

In contrast, learning how to work with people, and develop interpersonal skills sounds more promising when debating on how we should teach our offspring. Innovative ideas can be generate, time can be saved simply through cooperating with others. Effective teamwork can achieve significant results.

In conclusion, some competition for youngsters in their school lives might be beneficial. Nevertheless, it is more realistic to teach them how to interact and socialize with others. It is said that no man is an island.(cliche?) I believe it is more useful to possess a skill for dealing with people rather than beating them.

(280 words)

I think you mean, to write concisely.


You can write either "head start" or "better start." You don't really need both.


Get rid of either "that is why" or "due to the fact." They mean the same thing, you don't need both.

a high school student who committed suicide

and developing interpersonal skills

when debating on how

Innovative ideas can be generated and time can be saved simply through cooperation.
There isn't really a point in saying cooperating with others since that is more or less implied (you usually don't cooperate with yourself)

As MissS1987 mentioned earlier, you seem to switch positions



I think you can use a bit more elaboration in your body paragraphs. You can have another one to address an extra point.

This is looking pretty good :)

Thanks Maria!

YES! to write concisely!

I guess what I mean is a little competition is needed but should not be emphasized or overly encouraged.
If I write my thesis like this, is it more consist with my conclusion?
or it is better to simply say that I am in favor of cooperation?

Switch positions is my other big problem!
One time, I was writing an essay on whether sports professionals earn too much.
At first, I firmly agreed that "they earn too much, there are other more important careers!"
What happened after was that I totally switched my position at the end of my essay!
So I had to rewrite my thesis... @@

I think it's one of the problems that most Chinese students have.
We are not encouraged to think independently or critically in school.
So in our essays, we normally do not have a clear opinion!
I'm going to work very hard on this!

Ha ha, that is the most excellent thing! That is when an essay really benefits you the most. One essay I saw actually included this observation, similar to your observation. The writer indicated that she had originally argued the opposite point of view but changed her mind.

Actually, that reminds me of the story of the apostle Paul in Christianity. He used to be named Saul, and he was persecuting Christians, but then he became a Christian. That means he really is an example of someone who changed as a person. It is a meaningful thing.

In your current essay, you should make those corrections suggested by Maria and we will see if you still have errors. I think your new thesis statement, written in red font, is clear and correct.

Yes, Sir, I will! :D
Write concisely, don't contradict myself, choose one argument and stick to it!